


Trying It Again

by swimmingwolf59



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Also some opal spoilers in the last entry, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Amnesia, Angst in the last entry, Bantering, Body Swap, Cabeswater messing with its precious humans, Dreams, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing in the Rain, Lots of accidental kissing lol, M/M, Pynch Week 2018, Self-Harm, Shenanigans, but not exactly what you think, i'll update the tags as i go along, mentions of abuse, prompt fills
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-14 18:04:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15394380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swimmingwolf59/pseuds/swimmingwolf59
Summary: A compilation for Pynch Week 2018!!Day 1 - Soulmate marks AUDay 2 - "That's not what I meant."Day 3 - SummerDay 4 - AmnesiaDay 5 - Body swapDay 6 - ThunderstormDay 7 - Midnights/Home





	1. Vines and Ravens

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!! Pynch week was just about the only thing that could drag me from my grave, so here I am! XD As usual, I got way too carried away with most of the prompts, so I'll be on schedule for the first couple of days but after that my updates might be delayed because I always write too damn much lol
> 
> Also, just so you guys know, there is a scene with self-harm in this first chapter, so please proceed with caution!! ;w;
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy and thanks for reading!
> 
> Happy pynch week!! <3

When Ronan was ten, he ran into his soulmate. Literally.

His family had been picnicking at the local park, spread out in the grass near a playground. It was a summer weekend afternoon so the park was packed; children ran every which way screaming and laughing and adults covered almost the entire area with blankets and umbrellas. After Aurora had wrestled sunscreen onto the boys, she set them loose playing tag with the other children and throwing a football with Niall.

Ronan was running his hardest to catch up to a ball that Niall had accidentally chucked too high when it happened. He hadn’t been paying attention, looking up for the ball instead of watching where he was going, and it surprised him when he solidly collided with another body. They tumbled to the ground, Ronan falling on top of the other person and rolling painfully into the dirt.

“Ow…” someone groaned, and Ronan blinked his eyes open to stare at them.

He was another boy about Ronan’s age with dirt blonde hair and eyes as blue as the ocean when he met Ronan’s gaze. Ronan found himself memorized for reasons he hadn’t understood then as he stared at the boy gingerly sitting up beside him. He almost said something to him, but just then his arms started tingling.  

When he looked down, dark green vines had emerged on his fingers and were slowly crawling their way up his hands and to his wrists. He was wearing a tank-top, so he was able to watch as the vines spread up and up and up his arms until they curled into leaves on his shoulders and stopped. The other boy stared at the growing tattoos with wide eyes. He was wearing a long-sleeve shirt and pants so Ronan couldn’t tell if his marks were growing too but they had to be. There was no such thing as one-sided soulmate marks.

At ten, Ronan didn’t fully understand the implications of what had just happened. He barely understood concepts like ‘true love’ and ‘soulmates’. He _did_ understand, though, that he was supposed to like the person who made his marks emerge.

But before he could say anything, his soulmate hurriedly stood and fled in the opposite direction.

Later, Declan told him he had a whole forest on his back. Normally, soulmate marks were small, only encompassing a wrist or a shoulder blade. But Ronan’s spanned the entire length of his back, his shoulders, and both of his arms. Aurora said that it was because the love he would share with his soulmate was larger than most people’s.

She didn’t have an answer for why, if that was true, his soulmate had turned and bolted the other way.  

As Ronan grew, he gradually began to understand what had happened that day. He’d supposedly met the love of his life, who had been another boy.  This meant that he was a boy that liked boys. In church, Ronan learned that this was something weird: soulmates were _always_ between a man and a woman. But his family never said anything. They never said he was a sinner or tried to change him. Instead, they had speculated about who the boy could be and if it would be possible to find him. When Ronan entered Aglionby, they hopefully believed that Ronan might meet his soulmate there.

But Ronan had a feeling he wouldn’t. Because the other thing he had come to understand was that he had supposedly met the love of his life and, instead of wanting to get to know him, his soulmate had ran. Why? Had he found Ronan repulsive, in some way? Had he scared him? Declan always told him he had a scary face.

At first, it didn’t bother him. It wasn’t like he’d ever see the guy again.

Then he found his father beaten to death in the driveway. Then he learned that the opposite of love was hate and that it was so, so easy to hate yourself and twist everything that ever happened into another reason to hate yourself. Then he realized that if even his soulmate, who was supposed to love him more than anyone else on earth, didn’t love him, then who would? Was everyone in this world destined to leave him behind?

He soon learned to hate the marks. He’d once thought them beautiful and intricate and as a child he’d sometimes stay up late and imagine the person who would have such beautiful marks in their soul. Now he only saw it as a reminder that everything was shit and that Ronan Lynch was meant to walk the path of pain and suffering.

It hurt so goddamn much.

Throwing himself out of bed, Ronan slipped into the bathroom. He’d moved out by then, as being at home had been too agonizing, so he pulled out a beer from Gansey’s fridge and sat heavily on the toilet. From the counter, he grabbed his razor.

He stared at his arms until the vines and leaves blurred and he could no longer see their details. Where one stem dangled down the slender skin of his wrist, he slashed into it with the razor. Then he did the same with the other one.  Ronan watched the blood red run down his hands and cover the green vines on his fingers.

There. Now it was all over.

Or so he’d thought.

He woke up in the hospital, his mother and Matthew crying by his bedside and his wrists pulsing with pain. Declan was talking to someone on the phone in the doorway and Gansey leaned on the wall, staring at him. He wasn’t crying, but the red rim around his eyes made it obvious that he had been, and he stared at Ronan with such fear that Ronan had to close his eyes again.

That day, he learned that he only knew how to hurt the people he cared about.

No wonder his soulmate hadn’t wanted to stick around.

 

\--

 

Adam had been lucky with his soulmate marks.

They were large—flocks of ravens covered his chest, wrapping their wings around his heart, claws and beaks sharp against his skin—but they were confined entirely to his chest and easily covered by a shirt. This was lucky, because Adam’s father had never found his own soulmate, and Adam had known instinctively, as he watched those marks crawl up that boy’s arms, that he’d get in trouble. If his father had seen that he’d accomplished something like that when he hadn’t there would be hell to pay.

He was also lucky in the fact that his soulmate hadn’t run after him when their marks had emerged. If his father had seen that his soulmate was male…he couldn’t even bear to think about it.

But his father hadn’t seen, and so Adam went on with his life only removing his shirt when he was sure neither of his parents could see. Sometimes, at night, he stared at the ravens on his chest and wondered what his soulmate was like. He knew it was likely that he would never run into him again—and even if he did it was unlikely his soulmate would actually _love_ him after knowing who he was—but he couldn’t help but wonder.

Part of him regretted that he hadn’t stuck around to at least learn his name.

Adam grew and worked his ass off and made it into Aglionby, despite his dad blocking him every step of the way. On the first day of class, Adam got to first period early, not wanting to seem anything less than perfect, and to his surprise found someone already there. He was standing at the whiteboard, writing something on it so fiercely that it made the marker squeak horrendously with each stroke. He was wearing a leather jacket, dark, tight skinny jeans, and combat boots and he had a completely shaved head; that on top of his behavior convinced Adam that he was a delinquent.

But he was early to class.

And he was writing in nearly fluent Latin.

And he was dangerously attractive.

Standing directly behind him, Adam observed his sentences. He couldn’t parse together all of it, but it seemed to be a crude joke of some kind. He found himself smirking, despite everything.

“You know, if you hide the eraser when you’re done your joke will be up there forever.”

The boy startled so badly he dropped the marker. Whirling around, he fixed a glare on Adam that was so deadly it could keel gods. Adam wasn’t a god, but he also wasn’t easily intimidated. He didn’t sense any danger underneath the glare.

The boy stared at him for an unsettling minute before whipping back around to the board. “I should’ve thought of that.”

Adam hid a smile in his shoulder. “Obviously you need to brush up on your delinquent tactics.”

Adam didn’t know where this was all coming from. Adam Parrish did _not_ flirt with people who looked like they belonged in a motorcycle gang.

“Fuck off, man,” the boy said, but his posture was relaxed. “I’m not done with my masterpiece yet, though. Can I trust you with the honors…?”

It took Adam a ridiculously long time to realize that he was asking for his name. “Adam. Parrish.”

“Alright. Think fast, Parrish.” Before he was even done speaking, the boy tossed the eraser at Adam who somehow managed to catch it with only minimal fumbling.

While Adam poked around for the perfect place to hide the eraser, the boy continued his scribbling on the board, both of them silently engaged in their tasks. Adam was removing a book from the bookshelf to test if the eraser could hide behind it without giving away the fact that something was behind it when the boy suddenly spat out, “You’re not gonna ask me for my name?”

Deeming that it was pretty much unnoticeable unless someone knew to look for it, Adam carefully placed the eraser at the back of the bookshelf and put the book back in. “I figured you would tell me if you wanted me to know.”

“It’s Ronan. Ronan Lynch,” the boy said so quickly the words nearly tumbled over themselves.

Adam didn’t know what to think about the fact that Ronan had basically just admitted he’d wanted Adam to know his name.

“Okay, Lynch, then tell me this—” Adam leaned back on the bookshelf, smirking as Ronan immediately adopted a defensive posture, “—do you do this often?”

It was weird, how quickly Ronan relaxed. A savage grin even started to tug on his lips, apparently unaware that Adam was in a position where he could see it. “Only on Mondays.”

Adam laughed. “It’s Wednesday.”

“Well shit, Parrish, school _just_ started – it’s essentially a Monday,” Ronan quipped before stepping back to admire his work. “How’s it look?”

“Like chicken scratch,” Adam admitted honestly.

“Fuck you,” Ronan replied, but his tone almost sounded playful. “Bet you don’t even know what it says.”

“Yeah, because I literally can’t read it.”

Ronan barked out a loud laugh, apparently startling them both if Ronan’s wide-eyed look was anything to go by. Abruptly, Ronan strode to a desk in the back and threw himself down into it, tossing his legs up on the table as he did so in one violent, fluid motion. He seemed incapable of moving any other way. As Adam watched him, Ronan roughly shrugged out of his jacket, not seeming to care as it fell to the floor.

Unabashedly, Adam’s eyes trailed to his arms and his heart stopped beating.

Because underneath his jacket he wore a black tank-top so that his arms and shoulders, and the marks that were on them, were on complete and total display. And Adam could never forget those marks. They reflected everything he felt inside, everything he was.

Ronan caught him looking, and for a second it felt like time itself had stopped. “Yeah, they’re fucking everywhere, I know. My mom always said it was because of some ‘true love’ bullshit, but my asshole of a soulmate ran off without a second glance. Didn’t even get the fucker’s name.”

Adam didn’t know what to say. The bitterness in Ronan’s tone was throwing him off, and he felt like a fish out of water every time his eyes scanned over those marks. He hadn’t been prepared for a scenario where he ran into his soulmate again. He hadn’t thought it was possible, and his brain still couldn’t seem to figure out that it was happening.

Ronan sucked in a breath. “…It was you, wasn’t it.”

It wasn’t a question.

Adam stared down at his shoes, angry with himself. All of those times he’d dreamed of running into his soulmate again and he couldn’t even figure out a damn word to say to him.

Ronan’s boots eventually stomped into his line of sight until he was standing toe to toe with Adam. For an insane, wild moment Adam thought he was going to kiss him. But Ronan just growled, “Fuck all the way off.”

And then left, slamming the door behind him.

 

\--

 

Ronan felt explosive.

He couldn’t believe he ran into his soulmate _again_ , and here of all places. He couldn’t believe that he’d been starting to like that fucker and his stupid witty remarks and his stupid freckles and his stupid gorgeous hands—

“Ronan, wait—” And there he was now, taunting Ronan at every step, just as he always had.

Ronan had nothing to say to him. He’d spent _years_ getting over the hurt and self-loathing that Adam had helped cause and had finally gotten to a place where he felt relatively at peace with himself. He still hated himself, but the hatred didn’t run so deep that he felt like taking a knife to his skin again.

So of course Adam had to show up again _now_.

 “Oh, _now_ you chase after me, huh?” Ronan snarled, hastening his pace.

But somehow Adam managed to catch up to him anyway. “Just shut up and come in here with me for a sec.” Adam grabbed his arm and dragged him into the nearby bathroom.

“I don’t want to hear your fucking excuses!” Ronan growled, yanking his arm out of Adam’s grasp.

Adam turned his blue eyes on him. Honestly, Ronan should’ve guessed it right away – how could he ever forget those eyes? “I’m not giving you an excuse. I’m trying to show you why I did what I did that day.”

“So, you’re giving me an excuse.” Ronan rolled his eyes but settled back on one of the sinks and waited.

Just because he was in a better place didn’t mean he was any less self-destructive.

But instead of talking, Adam turned on a different sink and started roughly washing his face. Ronan almost snarled at him— _seriously,_ this asshole was making him wait so he could wash his goddamn _face_?—but then something caught his eye and he froze.

As the water rinsed down Adam’s face, so too did a concealer of some sort, slowly revealing an ugly bruise that spanned nearly the entire half of his face around his eye. It was harsh and purple and throbbing and Ronan sucked in a hard breath at the sight of it. The anger in his gut bled into his veins and he wanted to punch the wall until his skin broke.

“…Who the fuck did this?”

Adam didn’t reply for a long time, instead staring at his reflection in the mirror. Ronan realized suddenly that this was a secret, something that he wasn’t supposed to know but was being trusted with anyway.

“My dad,” Adam eventually said, his voice so quiet Ronan barely heard him.

Ronan exhaled. He understood now. It hadn’t been about him at all; it had been about what it would’ve looked like. He understood, but he didn’t know what to do with the information. He both wanted to ask and didn’t want to know how long this had been going on; he wanted to ask where he lived so he could go beat the shit out of that bastard—

But he didn’t ask any of that.

“Can I see your marks?” Ronan asked instead, softer than he’d intended.

Adam turned and stared at him for a long time. For a second, Ronan thought he would refuse him. But then he gave a miniscule nod and started unbuttoning his uniform. Ronan watched with apt attention as he turned off the sink and draped his uniform carefully over it before shucking off his t-shirt in one smooth motion.

When there was only bare skin left, Ronan felt like he couldn’t breathe.

Ravens flooded Adam’s chest, their wings a feathered frenzy as they crossed over each other and fought each other to fly. Most of the ravens seemed to be fighting to get to Adam’s heart, and the only one at peace was the one that had its wings over Adam’s heart, but there were some ravens that were flying downwards too, their claws and tails leaving a clear trail right down to—

Ronan snapped his eyes up. He felt like he was blushing but couldn’t seem to stop.

He wondered if this was why Adam had been so speechless earlier – to see himself so clearly in art on someone else’s body…

Ronan felt weak in the knees.

Before he even knew it he was stepping forward, gently pressing his hands to the ravens on Adam’s ribs. Adam stiffened but didn’t push him away, so Ronan took it as a sign to let his fingers roam, carefully exploring over skin and ink. Adam let out a shaky breath as Ronan traced one of the raven’s beaks over his heart. His long fingers skittered up Ronan’s arms, following both his veins and the veins of the leaves. “Do you have them just on your arms?”

“No, I’ve got a whole fucking forest.” Ronan took off his tank top and turned around so that Adam could see his back.   

Adam didn’t say anything for so long that Ronan almost looked back to see what his expression was. But then he felt Adam’s fingers splay out gently across his back, his hands startingly cool. Ronan barely suppressed a shiver.

“I’m sorry I hurt you by running away,” Adam said. “I regretted doing it every day since then.”

“You had your reasons.” Ronan firmly believed that now. The hurt wouldn’t heal as quickly—that shit was ingrained—but he didn’t feel so angry at Adam anymore. How could he, when he’d just been acting out of self-preservation? “Besides, I would have been fucked up these last few years anyway even if you hadn’t.”

“Yeah, but maybe I could’ve been there for you,” Adam said and suddenly started mouthing at his back.

Ronan jumped and whirled around, startled. He was _definitely_ blushing now.

Adam was smirking, the bastard. “Too soon?”

Ronan swallowed. “No…it just, uh, tickled.”

Adam stared at him for two seconds before he burst out laughing. Ronan found himself fighting back a grin as he stepped forward and grabbed Adam’s cheeks gently in his hands.

“Shut the fuck up,” he growled, and kissed him.

Adam kissed him back hungrily, his hands gripping at Ronan’s forearms. Their marks hummed between them, warmth searing up Ronan’s arms and down his back. It was almost scary how much Ronan wanted to kiss him, how much he wanted to erase the space between them. The emotions he felt for him were like a tsunami, drowning him and knocking down the few pillars of defense that he had left.

But he never wanted it to stop. It was too exhilarating.

…Hell, maybe his mom had been right about what his marks meant.

“You better not run away this time,” Ronan murmured when they parted, both gasping for air. He’d meant it as a joke, but it didn’t come out that way.

Adam touched his cheek. “I won’t.”


	2. Trying It Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Adam had said he’d wanted something unique for their first date, this was not what he’d meant.

When Adam had said he’d wanted something unique for their first date, this was _not_ what he’d meant.

Adam had done it all before. He’d bought flowers for girls, had them delivered to their doorsteps. He’d gone to movies, kissed them in the back of the movie theater. He’d gone out to dinner, shared secret touches under the table, walked them home and kissed them on their front porch. He’d done it all, and while he certainly wouldn’t mind doing it again, it didn’t sit right with him.

Because this was Ronan. Magical, incredible Ronan who Adam had never spent a dull moment with. _Ever_. Their entire lives were wrapped up in magic and craziness and it felt wrong, untruthful even, to have a mundane first date. Especially since so much was hanging on it.

After everything with Gansey and Glendower went down, both Adam and Ronan had relapsed into some kind of angry, mourning state. They were glad to be together and there for each other, they were glad Gansey was alive, but underneath everything was the profound sense of loss. Ronan had lost his mother, one of the only people who still mattered, and Adam had lost Cabeswater, one of the few beings that thought he mattered. They’d taken it out on each other, sometimes, in bad fights that neither of them wanted to be having but couldn’t seem to figure out how to stop. Sometimes it just hurt too much, and the need to lash out was too great.

They’d talked it out, and decided they needed to start over. Go on a date, since they hadn’t yet. Spend a day together that wasn’t about mourning or near-death experiences and was just about _them_. They needed to figure out who they were together before their grief tore them apart.

Adam went back to St. Agnes for the night, so that Ronan could do the whole ‘picking up my date in my fancy car’ thing and so that they could both take a breather and be excited about tomorrow. And Adam _was_ excited – he was excited to see what Ronan had in store for them.

He just hadn’t been expecting this.

For Ronan picked him up, just as expected, in the hottest pair of jeans Adam had ever seen on another person, and drove them to the grocery store.

At first, Adam thought that it was a joke, so he remained in the car even when Ronan pulled into a parking spot. It was only when Ronan got out and grabbed fucking _grocery bags_ that he had stored in the trunk of his fucking car that Adam realized he was serious.

Furious, Adam cranked down the window and glared at Ronan. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Ronan grinned and hooked his elbows on the window. “You said you wanted something unique.”

“This is _not_ what I meant.”

But Ronan was still smirking as he leaned in to leave a kiss on Adam’s nose. “Just come into the damn store, Parrish, I swear you’ll like it.”

And really, Adam had no choice but to follow him. He wasn’t happy about it, though. He’d been so looking forward to this day, and it didn’t even seem like Ronan was taking it seriously, even though it had seemed like such a big deal to both of them when they’d talked about it before. He wondered with a sinking heart if maybe they’d lost something else when all of the shit had gone down, if they’d both forgotten how to have magic together.

When they stepped into the store, the cheap, ‘everything in one convenient stop!’ type of store that made Adam nervous he wound run into his parents, Ronan shoved one of the shopping bags into Adam’s hands. “Alright, here’s the game: you have to go through this store and pick out a picnic spread you think I’d really like. I’m going to do the same for you, and whoever gets done the slowest has to make breakfast for a week. Oh, and you can only spend $20 total.”

Adam was bewildered. “Wha—?”

“Go!” Ronan shouted cheerfully and ran off deeper into the store.

Adam lost ten precious seconds standing there like an idiot, trying to process what had just happened. It was only when his brain caught up to the losing terms that it kicked into action – he was decent in the kitchen, but he should not be allowed anywhere near a stove before he had his morning coffee.

So he couldn’t afford to lose.

A plan in his mind, he sprinted off down the aisles, nearly knocking shelves over in his haste. Even with his delay, he felt that he had the upper hand – he’d been bargain shopping literally his entire life and could find the cheapest combination of food items in his sleep. Ronan, who no doubt had never looked at a price tag in his life, wouldn’t stand a chance against that, even if he had a knack for instantly thinking of and being able to make food that Adam liked.

And as the game progressed, Adam actually found himself enjoying the challenge. Whenever he ran into Ronan he would shout taunts at him, laughing as Ronan merely cursed at him and shook a full basket that could in no way be under the money constraint in his face. One time, he and Ronan actually ran into each other as they both reached for a box of Pop-Tarts, an all-around family favorite. Though of course, neither of them grabbed it after seeing the other wanted it. They were both stubborn, after all.

When Adam was sure of his selections, he ran for the cash register, only to find Ronan running from it too from the opposite direction.

As they locked eyes, they both sped up, running and crashing through the crowds to reach the only open cash register first. Ronan had played tennis once upon a time, and worked on a farm, but Adam had spent a better portion of his life biking to school every day, and so it was with one second that Adam slammed into the counter before Ronan. It was so close that Ronan couldn’t stop in time and crashed into Adam, nearly causing them both to fall over.

Laughing, Adam triumphantly began unloading his cart onto the conveyer belt. “Too bad, Lynch – guess you’re making breakfast for a week.”

“Dammit,” Ronan panted out, but he was grinning as he slid his arms around Adam’s waist and leaned his chin on his shoulder. “I bet what I picked out for you is better, anyway.”

“Well, you should’ve bet on that then,” Adam retorted, shooting him a teasing glance over his shoulder. “Though I think I’ll win that too.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Ronan said joyfully as he leaned back and started haphazardly tossing his things onto the belt behind Adam’s.

They each paid for their own baskets before heading back out to the car, hand in hand. Adam was in a significantly better mood than when he’d gone into the store – this challenge had felt exactly like something they would’ve done together when they’d first met. It was just the kind of stupid boy thing that Adam secretly loved doing and secretly loved watching Ronan do. It felt like _them_ , and it was a relief.

“So, are we heading back to the Barns, or what?” Adam asked as he buckled in his seat belt.

Ronan switched on his pulsing EDM and revved out of the parking lot. “Nope, I told you – this is for a picnic.”

Adam’s mouth twitched into a smile. “How domestic.”

“You know, you’re a snarky little shit considering how close you came to losing today,” Ronan sniped.

Adam couldn’t help but laugh. “You could not possibly sound more bitter right now. Did you think you would win?”

“I honestly thought you would take so long worrying about prices that it’d be easy.”

Adam shoved him. “I’ve been doing that all my life – it takes no time at all now. I know the cheapest brands. When was the last time _you_ looked at a price tag?”

Ronan curled his lip but didn’t answer. Adam took it as a win, rolled down his window, and settled back for the drive. As it was with most of their drives, he was content to let Ronan take them wherever his pounding emotions and music took him.

Today, though, he was purposeful in his wild turns, sure in his accelerations on the straights. It didn’t take long for Adam to find out why.

Ronan took him up into the mountains, climbing climbing, the engine purring under their feet and thighs, and pulled over at a lookout that Adam knew like the back of his hand. This was where the adventures started; this was where the magic happened. This was where Gansey had taken Blue on one of the first nights they’d went out together, as he’d told Adam later. This was where Adam and Ronan had gone when they’d first gotten back after shit went down, where they’d escaped to when everywhere they called home felt too suppressing and choked with memories. This was where they could see the entirety of Henrietta spread out before them, where they could see every star, where they could feel like kings.

This was one of the only places not tainted by bad memories.

It made sense Ronan had thought of this place. They’d needed to get away from the bad memories.

After haphazardly parking the car, Ronan threw himself out and went around back to grab their groceries. Adam settled himself on the hood of the BMW, lying back and watching as the sun began to sink below the horizon.

“Alright, Parrish, let’s see what we’ve got here,” Ronan said as he practically leaped onto the hood, nearly knocking Adam right off.

Adam pushed at him playfully before sinking into his side and grabbing his grocery bag. Ronan gestured for him to go first so Adam began taking out each item one by one. “Deli ham, potato salad, gouda and crackers, and, of course, IPA.”

“Not bad, Parrish, not bad,” Ronan said, licking his lips. Adam watched every second of it. “Alright, my turn: string cheese, ingredients for PB&J, black olives, Cheerios, and, of course—” Ronan pulled out a can and held it to Adam’s chest playfully, where it matched perfectly with his shirt, “—Coca fucking Cola.”

“…Okay, Lynch, I admit, that’s pretty damn good,” Adam said as he took the coke from Ronan. “I think we both won the selection category.”

“Whatever makes you feel better about yourself,” Ronan replied and popped his beer.

Adam stuck his tongue out at him and started digging into his meal. He had to admit, it had been fun picking out food that he thought Ronan would like, and it made him feel warm all over realizing that Ronan knew enough about him to know what he would like, too. Adam had always thought himself unknowable, but each moment he spent with Ronan made him feel just a little bit more known. He liked to think he was getting to know Ronan better each moment, too.

They ate dinner and cracked jokes and talked and kissed until the sun finally went down. Warm and happier than they had been in days, they laid back on the hood of the car, tangled up in each other as they watched the stars emerge, each one blinking to life slowly across the sky.

It was, as always, breathtaking.

“I actually had a lot of fun today,” Adam admitted after they’d laid there quietly for what felt like hours. He could feel Ronan’s heart beating hard where his deaf ear was pressed against his chest. “Thank you.”

Ronan hummed and kissed the top of his head. “I figured out what we are together, you know.”

Adam pushed himself up on his elbows to turn and look at him. “…Oh yeah? What’s that?”

Smirking, Ronan reached up to swipe his thumb across Adam’s cheek. “Little shits who want nothing more than to wreak havoc on the world.”

Adam laughed and leaned down to kiss him, enjoying the warmth of their bodies pressed together. Just then, he couldn’t remember why he’d ever been worried about them. They’d always fought, and they most likely would again, but it wouldn’t break them. After all, they’d already known who they were together; they’d known for years. They’d just needed a reminder. “I think we’re quite good at that, then.”

Ronan grinned, the light of the universe in his eyes, and ran his hands up Adam’s back. “Yeah, I think we are.”


	3. Lynch's Finches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam's shitty car finally breaks down in the middle of nowhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is literally just pynch bantering sorry not sorry lmao

Summer.

A time of warm nights and warmer days. A time of joy and the beach and camping. A time when students everywhere can finally take a break from studying and enjoy their free time. A time of catching up with friends and road trips and long backpacking trips and belting out karaoke. A time when nothing really matters except for every minute that can be spent in the sun having fun.

But also apparently a time when Adam’s shitty car finally breaks down in the middle of nowhere.

He’d been on the way to Gansey’s family home, invited to stay and hang out for a week. Adam had originally planned on spending his entire summer working and saving up for his last year as an undergrad, and while he was still mostly doing that, his recently-made friend Richard Campbell Gansey III would have none of that and invited Adam to visit. Originally he had wanted it to be for longer, but Adam had firmly stated that it would be a week or nothing. He needed to make the money, and he didn’t think he could spend _that_ much time around one of the richest families in the country.

Gansey understood that part, at least.

Adam was making his way down from Princeton when smoke suddenly started pooling out of the engine of his car. Within seconds, it stalled in the middle of the road. Adam hadn’t even managed to coax it onto the shoulder; the shitbox had decided enough was enough and refused to budge once the steam began to rise. Adam has spent the last hour under the hood trying to fix it, but he can’t for the life of him figure out what’s wrong with it.

So he’s stuck, with no town in any sort of reasonable walking distance. He has a phone—only a year old—but no service, meaning he has no hopes of calling a tow truck or even Gansey. His only reasonable option it seems is to sit and wait for someone to drive by.

He waits.

Nobody comes for _hours_. It’s sweltering. Adam has nothing but a stale Nutri-Grain bar to munch on to stave off the starvation, and it only makes his dehydration worse. He sits in the shadow of his car to attempt to escape the heat, but it’s one of those chokingly hot summers that makes it impossible to feel cool unless your air conditioner works.

Which Adam’s certainly does not.

He honestly doesn’t know how he survives through the hours it takes for someone to show up. He’s just about ready to give in and walk when someone finally comes.

He hears them before he sees them. The roar of their engine is loud, but the pulse of the bass in their stereo is even louder; it beats through the humid air, piercing towards Adam in a muffled cloud of sound. As the car comes into view, Adam realizes the person must be driving at least 100 miles an hour and deflates.

There’s no way they’ll be able to see him, or react in time even if they did, when they’re going that fast.

But somehow, he does see him. He screeches to a halt next to him, unnecessarily fast and dangerously close. The nose of his car is half in the other lane, so it’s lucky there are literally no other cars on this road. The pounding bass doesn’t dim at all as the driver rolls down his window. “Need a lift?”

For a moment, Adam is struck dumb. The driver is devilishly handsome: he has a sharp jaw, a shaved head, and piercing blue eyes that seem to see right into Adam’s soul. There are leather bands strapped around his wrist that Adam can see as he leans his elbow out the window, and his arms are lean and muscular.

Adam is painfully aware that he has not been laid in a long time.

It takes some time and difficulty, but Adam eventually wrenches his gaze away from the hot stranger and instead eyes his car skeptically. It’s an ancient BMW, once a beautiful, sleek car but now way behind in terms of new models. It looks like it’s been heavily used for years, scratches and dents along every inch and clouded surfaces over the headlights. The car rumbles happily, but the way it hitches sometimes reminds Adam too much of his Hondayota.  

“Your car doesn’t look much better off, honestly,” Adam says eventually.

The stranger scowls. It looks unfairly sexy on him. “Fuck you, is that anything to say to someone who actually stopped to fucking help you out?”

“I’m just saying, my car already broke down, I don’t really want to go another hundred feet and then have a different car break down.” Adam brings his eyes back up to the stranger. “And I probably shouldn’t get into a car with a stranger.”

“Fine then, stay broken down in the middle of the fucking road,” the man growls and starts to roll up his window.

“Wait!”

The stranger stops, glares at him in calculated silence.

Adam bites his lip, thinks. “Do you have a phone?”

“No.”

Of course he doesn’t.

“…Does your air conditioner work?”

The man grins, like he knows he has Adam in the bag. “It sure fucking does.”

That makes up Adam’s mind. Well, that and Adam is at the point where he would literally put himself in any situation if it meant he might be able to make out with this guy later. As pathetic as it sounds.

“…Okay then,” Adam says. He goes back to his car, grabs his bag out of the backseat, and locks it, not that anyone would steal it. He then climbs into the passenger seat of the BMW, nearly letting out a moan at how great the air conditioning feels blowing into his face. “I used to be a mechanic, so I might be able to fix your car if it breaks down later.”

“Honestly, at this point I hope it does just to spite you,” the man spits out, but there’s still a grin on his face as he revs back down the road. “I’m Ronan, by the way. Ronan Lynch.”

“Adam Parrish,” Adam replies, against better judgement. He leans his head back on the headrest. “You really saved my ass back there.”

“Wow, finally, a thank you, do you know it’s been nearly ten minutes since I _kindly_ picked you up and this is the first I’ve heard any appreciation for it—”

Adam laughs. “Is that longer than the average, then? Do you pick up guys on the side of the road often?”

“Yes, but not in the way you’re thinking.” Adam gapes at him before Ronan smirks, sharp. “Relax, Parrish, I’m fucking kidding.”

“You have a terrible sense of humor,” he tells him, but he had found it rather funny. “Are you a comedian then?”

Ronan snorts. “Fuck no, I run a farm.

Adam just stares. “You’re a farmer.”

“Wow, you’re the first person who’s _never_ believed me when I tell them my occupation,” Ronan says sarcastically as he rolls his eyes. “Yes, I’m a farmer. Have some cows. Grow some tulips. Sell some shit.”

“You sell cow shit.”

Ronan barks out a laugh, seeming to startle himself. “ _Yeah_ , Parrish, I sell cow shit. Goddamn, what the hell is wrong with you?”

“So many things,” Adam says, laughing.

“Okay, let me guess – you work in an office. You sort papers every day and hate your boss but you keep at it because you keep thinking you’re _this close_ to a promotion.”

Adam snorts. “I see you have a high opinion of me. I’m still in school, actually, but I’m studying to be a civil engineer.”

Ronan smirks. “So you _will_ be working in an office.”

Adam falters. “Well, sort of, I _guess_ , but it’s not the same!”

“Uh-huh, sure it’s not.”

God, this guy is an asshole. Adam kind of likes it.

Leaning his cheek against the window, Adam closes his eyes and concentrates on the wind blowing on his face and the hum of the engine underneath his thighs. Ronan hadn’t bothered to turn off, or even turn down, his pulsing EDM, but Adam doesn’t mind it as much as he thought he would. It’s horrible, there’s no question about that, but it’s good for taking the mind off things, for soothing something restless underneath his breastbone. He can kind of get why people like listening to it.

But still.

“How are you not deaf?” he asks.

“What?!” Ronan just about shouts.

“How are you not—” Adam starts to repeat but stops when he realizes that Ronan is grinning. “Oh my god, shut the fuck up. Are you sure you’re not a comedian?”

“Hey, you fell right into that one all by yourself, asshole,” Ronan replies, looking all too smug for the middle-school level prank he just pulled. “But shit, if you think my jokes are that good, maybe I should apply. I’ll bring my talking horse and make a show out of it.”

“There are already multiple shows about talking horses, you’d never get in,” Adam says, hiding a grin by turning to stare out the window.

“Don’t worry, I have talking goats and pigs too. Does that suffice?”

“Hm, only if it has a good title. Ooh, do you have talking finches? Because if you do the title of your show could be ‘Lynch’s Finches’ and the subtitle for it could be ‘it’s a _cinch_ to make you laugh’.”

Ronan chokes on a laugh. “ _God,_ I love how much I hate that. I do have finches, but they don’t talk.”

“What, do you not know how to speak bird?”

“No, because my best friend has told me that he’s heard the horses, goats, and pigs talk to him, but never the finches.”

Adam slams a hand on the windowsill, laughter escaping him breathlessly. “What the actual fuck? Is your friend insane?”

Ronan barks out a loud laugh. “Kind of, yeah. But who isn’t?”

“We aren’t,” Adam says seriously.

They hold it in for about two seconds before they both burst out laughing again.

They pass the time like this, cracking jokes and laughing loudly. It’s weird, how easy it is to banter with Ronan like they’re old friends. Adam has never clicked with someone so easily before, and he doesn’t know if sitting out in the heat for so long broke his brain or if there’s something else going on here. It definitely _feels_ a lot like something else when occasionally he glances over at Ronan only to find Ronan already glancing back.

It makes something thrum inside him.

After ten or so more minutes, they make it to the next town. Ronan hardly slows down despite the drastically dropped speed limit, though Adam supposes he hadn’t been near the highway’s speed limit to begin with. It stopped bothering him fifty miles back.

“Where should I drop you off?” Ronan asks as he blows through a stoplight.

“I guess the nearest mechanic…” Adam trails off, changes his mind. “Actually, can you just take me to my friend’s house?”

He’s halfway through relaying the address when Ronan pounds his fist on the wheel. “Are you seriously fucking friends with _Gansey_?”

Adam flinches back, startled. “You _know_ him?”

“Yeah I know him, he’s my fucking best friend.” Ronan shoots him a pointed look. “You know, the one who talks to my animals.”  

“Oh my god.” Adam is stumbling over his laugher again. “ _That’s_ who you were talking about? Jesus Christ I can see it.”

“See? There’s a consensus – it makes sense Dick can talk to animals,” Ronan says as he heads for Gansey’s house.  

“It’s because he knows how to talk to politicians; if you can talk to them, you can talk to anything,” Adam argues.

“Jesus, you’re so fucking right.” Ronan cackles. “Do you know that every time I interact with his parents I feel like I’ve grown up in a cave? Like they’re nice people and shit but every time I talk to them about a boyfriend I’ve had they stare at me like I’m some kind of zoo specimen.”

“Republicans don’t seem to handle the whole gay thing very well, even when they’re well-intentioned,” Adam muses. “Good to know, though – perhaps I’ll just mention the girlfriends and not the boyfriends.”

“Bi, huh, lucky,” Ronan says, surprising Adam a little. “At least you can hide it – I’m so gay I probably blind them.”

Adam laughs. “That doesn’t sound like a bad thing.”

Ronan flashes him a grin. “No it is not.”

They pull into Gansey’s house a second later, both grinning, Adam a little woozy from all of this bantering and possibly flirting. He can’t believe how much he’s enjoying Ronan’s presence. It’s fun being around someone who can take his scathing comments for once, who knows how to bite back just as venomously.

He doesn’t want this to be the last time.

“Well, say hi to Dick for me,” Ronan says as Adam opens the door. “Actually no, tell him my goat says hi.”

Adam snorts. “I’ll do that.”

Hesitantly, he gets out of the car, thinks for a second. No matter how he looks at this, it’s a bad idea. But all his life Adam has been denying himself every pleasure to get where he needs to be, so he thinks he deserves to listen to one bad idea every once in a while. Besides, this time, he really _really_ wants to.

He leans back in. “So, you know how you asked what’s wrong with me and I said ‘so many things’?”

Ronan stares at him warily, but there’s also the ghost of a smile on his face. “Yeah, it happened like twenty minutes ago, my memory isn’t that bad.”

“Okay, so like, this may be something that’s wrong with me but…I want to ask you out.”

Ronan just blinks at him. “…You what?”

Adam tries not to visibly deflate. Fuck, what the hell is he thinking? His hormones had gotten the best of him, making him forget that he’s Adam Parrish and nothing has ever worked out smoothly for him in his entire life. He’s never been able to keep a relationship for long, and though he has casual friendships, the only person he can truly say is a close friend is Blue Sargent who lives in Venezuela now. Various roommates have told him that they find his appearance unsettling and his brutal sarcasm hard to breech.

Adam Parrish is unknowable, and he’s stupid for thinking that there had been any chemistry between him and this hot farmer that he barely knows.

Sighing, Adam starts to duck back out of the car. “Just forget it—”

“No, wait—” Ronan is suddenly getting out of the car and rounding it to where Adam is standing. For a horrible moment, Adam thinks he’s going to punch him.

But he stops just shy of his shoes and stares unnervingly into Adam’s eyes. “…You’re not fucking with me, right?”

Now it’s Adam’s turn to just blink. “What?”

Ronan swears and kicks at the ground with his boot, reaching up to rub a hand along the fuzz at the back of his head. “Look, I…I don’t do casual. That’s not my thing. So if you’re just trying to get a casual hookup out of me, I’m not the right guy.”

“…I honestly don’t know what I’m trying to do. You’re just unbelievably hot and an asshole like me so I was kind of thinking…well, I was just thinking it might be fun to get to know each other better.” Adam has to break the eye contact, his cheeks heating up. “God, I sound stupid.”

“You do,” Ronan agrees. Adam feels a hot flash of anger at him until Ronan’s suddenly taking another step closer. “But it’s fine because you’re unbelievably hot and an asshole like me so we have to stick together, you know?”

Adam glances up at him, but now Ronan’s looking away, scrubbing the back of his head again. “And well…I was thinking it’d be nice to get to know you better, too.”

Biting back a smile, Adam reaches out and touches Ronan’s cheek gingerly with his fingertips. “…So, you’ll go out with me.”

“Yeah, I’ll fucking go out with you.” Ronan sighs and rolls his eyes, like this is a big bother to him, but Adam sees the grin pulling at his lips and the blush on his cheeks. “Just don’t get mad when you find out I really am an asshole.”

Adam laughs wholeheartedly. “Same to you.”

They kiss. Adam has been touch-starved for so long that even that is enough to set his insides ablaze and his heart pounding. He reaches for the back of Ronan’s head, digging his fingers in and yanking him in closer. Ronan steps forward until he has Adam pinned against the car, an action Adam much approves of and rewards him for by scratching his nails down his scalp.

The kiss is hot and searing and everything Adam has wanted and more. It’s making all of this not seem like such a bad idea anymore.

“Call me when your car breaks down again,” Ronan murmurs when they break for air reluctantly, breathless as he slips his fingers into Adam’s belt loops.

Adam raises an eyebrow. “Is there a reason I can’t call you sooner?”

Ronan grins, all predator. “Please, I saw your car – it’ll be a miracle if you even make it out of the mechanic’s.”

“Fuck you,” Adam growls but he leans forward and kisses him again.

Gansey finds them like that, tangled and practically dry-humping against the car parked right in front of his conservative family’s house. Adam had forgotten he was supposed to be pretending he was straight, though he supposes he’d never really wanted to do that anyway. Gansey gawks at them for about a minute as Adam and Ronan step apart from each other and try to look presentable. What they look like is two teenagers who got caught making out in the broom closet, which is more or less accurate.

Eventually, Gansey clears his throat and says, “I can see you’ve met Ronan.”

Adam shares a grin with his new boyfriend. “Oh yeah, I’ve met Ronan.”


	4. It's Just the Strangest Thing, I've Seen Your Face Somewhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What are you doing here?” Ronan demanded. “I’ve never seen anyone else in this forest.”   
> Adam rose an eyebrow. “I didn’t know dreams came with predetermined backstories, but alright. This is my first time here. And I’m apparently saving dream-boys from dying.”   
> “I’m not a dream,” Ronan snarled. “You’re the dream."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It didn't take me as long as I thought to get this up, so hooray! I may be able to get back on schedule by tomorrow~ 
> 
> Title of this story comes from the song "Do You Know Me" by John Mayer

The first time Ronan met Adam, Adam saved him from drowning.

It had been one of those nightmares that had been occurring more and more often the more Ronan came to terms with the fact that his father was dead. The kind where Ronan dreamed he was dying in some painful, gruesome way—like he was sure his father had—and he didn’t really want it to stop. Most of the time, he was alright with it happening. Sometimes, he wished it would work in real life as well.

In this particular variation, he had been running from night horrors, their claws scraping at the air inches from his back, when he’d stumbled over a cliff that he hadn’t been able to see until it was right under his feet. He’d fallen into a pool of water which had immediately turned into acid as soon as he’d felt relieved that it was only water.

The acid had burned his lungs, his eyes, his skin until everything felt hot and painful. He couldn’t breathe; he couldn’t scream. He attempted to swim, but he couldn’t tell which way was up through the pain, and he doubted his dream would let him reach the surface, anyway.

But then, vines curled around his body and he was suddenly hoisted out of the pool.

He flew through the air for a couple of seconds before he landed on the shore with a painful thud that took all of what little remaining air there was from his lungs. For a while he just laid there on his back, gasping and writhing from the pain that still assaulted his body.

What…what the hell just _happened_?

“Are you okay?” someone shouted and Ronan spooked so badly he nearly fell back into the acid pool.

Glancing wildly around, his eyes caught on a figure picking their way carefully down the cliff Ronan had fallen off of. On closer inspection, he was a boy, probably somewhere around Ronan’s age, with dirt-blonde hair and freckles that Ronan could see all the way from where he was still lying on the ground.

Ronan _noticed_ him immediately, but he shelved the thought away before he could linger on it.

Sitting up, Ronan spat out a mouthful of acid. He glared as the strange boy came to a stop on the opposite side of the pool. He didn’t _seem_ like a night horror in disguise, but… “Who the fuck are you?!”

The boy looked appalled. “’Who the fuck am I’? Who the fuck are _you_?”

“I’m Ronan,” he said, tilting his head up. When he said Ronan, he meant _venomous snake._

“…I didn’t expect you to actually give me your name,” the boy admitted, something of a smirk on his face. “I’m Adam.”

_Adam_.

“What are you doing here?” Ronan demanded. “I’ve never seen anyone else in this forest.”

Adam rose an eyebrow. “I didn’t know dreams came with predetermined backstories, but alright. This is my first time here. And I’m apparently saving dream-boys from dying.”

“I’m not a dream,” Ronan snarled. “ _You’re_ the dream.”

Adam scoffed. “Right, because I definitely didn’t come to this forest in real life and then dream about it—and you—later.”

Ronan stood and stalked around the pool; he needed to intimidate Adam with his height. Adam was actually fairly tall himself when Ronan made his way over, but Ronan still had a couple of inches on him and knew how to use them. He towered over Adam and growled, “I’m not sure if my message was reaching you from all the way across the acid-pool, but I’m accusing you of being a dream. Dreams don’t usually accuse the dreamers of being dreams.”

“Then by that logic, doesn’t that mean we’re _both_ dreamers?” Adam argued. “Because I’m also accusing you of being a dream.”

Ronan considered this. He hated that he was failing to intimidate Adam, but he was also intrigued by it. “No, because I refuse to share my title.”

“Why do _you_ get the title?” Adam demanded.

“Because I was here first, as demonstrated by my act earlier.” Ronan gestured at the acid-pool. “I call it ‘Dying in Acid’.”

“How poetic,” Adam snorted before he frowned slightly. “But seriously, if we really are both real, we can’t just be dreaming the same dream.”

“Maybe _you_ can’t, but I don’t follow the rules,” Ronan retorted. Something convulsed in his chest when Adam actually _laughed_ at this.

In some ways, Adam the dream might be worse than the night horrors.

“Alright then ‘Mr. Dreamer’,” Adam taunted, a grin on his face as he threw himself down onto the grass and rested back on his elbows. “Convince me that you’re real. Tell me about your life.”

And since it was really only a dream anyway, Ronan did. He told him about his mom and his brothers and how his father had died recently. He told him about Gansey and Noah and the extremely old industrial building that they all called home. He told him about Aglionby and how much he hated it and how he wanted nothing more than to go home. It was more than he’d ever opened up to anyone before.

But it was all just inside his head, so it didn’t really count.

“I go to Aglionby too,” Adam said when Ronan was done. “I don’t remember seeing you around, though.”

“That sounds like something a dream would say,” Ronan accused. The thing in his chest convulsed again as Adam laughed. He was worried this was becoming a reoccurring thing. “How do I know you didn’t just hear me say Aglionby and decide it was where you went, too?”

“Because I’m real and I really do go there!” Adam insisted. “I bike to school and go to classes, and then I go to work, do homework—”

Ronan reared back. “You do _homework_?”

“So not the point, Ronan,” Adam said but he was laughing again, and that was all Ronan needed, really. “Look, I have Latin with Whelk, history with Greenmantle, math with—”

“Okay, okay, we don’t need to talk about math,” Ronan grumbled, waving him off. Adam’s smirk was incriminating. “I also have Latin and history with those bozos.”

“Now, that sounds like something a dream would say,” Adam said and laughed yet again when Ronan pushed him playfully.

He feared he was dangerously starting to like Adam.

When Ronan woke that morning, he had a smile on his face. He couldn’t really remember what the dream had been about, but it must not have been about him dying for once. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a good dream. Gansey would be ecstatic.

…If only he could remember what the dream had been about.

 

\--

 

Adam’s entire life changed the day he’d wandered into the forest.

It hadn’t been anything purposeful, which often seemed to be the case when it came to major life-altering events. Adam had just been trying to get away: away from his father, away from the trailer park, away from the blood and ache all over his body, away from the fury and dust that rested in his bones.

It had been a horrible night. His father had won a big bonus at his job but, characteristically, instead of saving it or using it to buy groceries, he’d gambled it. Had boasted that he would win the lottery with it, could feel it in the tips of his fingers.

To no one’s surprise but Robert Parrish’s, he’d lost it. Majorly. And he’d come home drunk and furious about it. He’d beaten out his frustrations on his son, throwing things and swinging punches and kicks until it felt like there wasn’t a single part of Adam’s body that didn’t hurt. He hadn’t expected it to be so bad, but after a full ten minutes of it with no sign of reprieve he’d known that staying in the double-wide would be suicide. Leaving the double-wide was also suicide, but at least then Adam had a chance of slipping back in when his father was passed out and avoiding the rest of the storm.

So he’d ran. He’d reached for the doorknob and sprinted out the door, racing for his bike and pedaling as furiously as he could away from his father’s bellows. Robert was drunk enough that he probably wouldn’t remember Adam’s panicked flight response in the morning, but Adam still felt terrified as he biked along, too scared to look behind him, too scared of how much trouble he would be in tomorrow.

He’d been so scared he hadn’t been able to pay attention to where he was going. He hadn’t even noticed the shift from pavement to dirt roads as he somehow strayed from the main road and entered the forest.

He only noticed when his front tire ran solidly into a log in the path and his bike flipped up and over, him along with it.

He landed hard on his back, all of the breath leaving him as even more pain pulsed through his body. It was agonizing; it didn’t seem possible that he could tolerate it all. The fall jarred his body so much that his wounds from yesterday reopened, spilling over his hands and the ancient gauze he had wrapped it with earlier. He laid there, bleeding and in pain, and, because there was no one around to care, let himself cry, begging for the agony to stop. He wanted to stop being punished for things he didn’t do. He wanted to stop being in pain, and being afraid of being in pain.

He would give anything.

And suddenly, the world shifted. The pain left his body. Mad whispers spoke into the ear he thought he’d never hear from again. Vines trailed up and along his body, probing and caressing, and his wounds healed before his eyes. He heard leaves rustling and saw visions of trails of energy, blackened and dark in some places, blocked by something.

He didn’t fully understand what his side of the bargain was, but as he laid there, communicating with the forest for the first time, he knew he had made a bargain.

He just wasn’t sure with _what_.  

That night, once he’d gathered the courage to go back, he’d had a wonderful dream, though the next morning he couldn’t remember a thing about it—just that it, for once, wasn’t about his dad’s fists. This happened every day for a week, and didn’t seem close to stopping. He was glad, because he no longer went to bed afraid. He felt less rested though, probably because now he had the forest tapping into his energy, trying to communicate with him, asking for help. Now, immediately after school and a shift at Boyd’s he had to bike over to the forest and move rocks, tree logs, or whatever else the forest deemed out of place. He still didn’t understand what he was doing or why, but the forest seemed to be keeping its end of the bargain; the next time his father tried to hit him, thorns embedded themselves into his fist and he withdrew, staring wide-eyed at his son like he didn’t know who he was.

_Unknowable_.

So during the day Adam moved rocks and at night he entered the forest in his dreams and hung out with Ronan. He could never remember Ronan until he was asleep, a fact which he found annoying every time he dreamt.

“I wanted to look for you at school, but I never remember you until I’m back in a dream,” Adam told him. They were sitting by a river that flowed gold, skipping rocks that were as dark blue as cobalt and clumsily attempting to catch rainbow fish with their bare hands.

“I never remember you, either,” Ronan replied, on his hands and knees as he attempted to snap for a fish with his teeth.

They’d more or less gotten to the point where they accepted, sort of, that the other person was real. Or at least that they would never be able to prove they weren’t real so it didn’t matter. Adam was still skeptical, though – he couldn’t prove that Ronan wasn’t just another byproduct of the deal he’d made with Cabeswater. Because after all, having a friend did ease his pain. Going to sleep with warm dreams ahead made him less afraid.

And he honestly doubted anyone like Ronan could exist in the real world anyway. Devilishly handsome but soft as a puppy on the inside, fiercely loyal, and outrageously funny. He could get Adam sprawled on his back, gasping for breath through his laughter, in a matter of seconds. Adam hardly even _smiled_ around other people.

He was worried he was becoming way too attached to someone who may or may not be real.

“What if we tried to leave a note for our awake selves?” Adam suggested as he sat down on the bank of the river and stuck his feet in the water, having given up on fishing for now. “It could say, ‘look for Ronan Lynch at Aglionby – you know him’.”

“Seriously? That would freak me the fuck out if I woke up and saw a note like that,” Ronan said. He nearly toppled into the river as he leaned too far forward and Adam had to reach out to grab his arm to steady him. Ronan’s skin was warm under his palm, _incredibly_ warm. “And how are we supposed to leave the note? You going to tattoo the words on my body?”

Adam made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. “Well we should at least try _something_.”

Ronan plopped down onto the bank next to him. “I don’t know man, does it really matter?”

Pain stabbed Adam’s chest. “…Do you not want to know me in real life?”

“No, I mean _yes_ fuck, of course I do, I just…” Ronan glanced to the side, the back of his neck pink. “…You wouldn’t like me in real life.”

“Why not?”

“ _Because_ , I can’t express myself well and I don’t usually want to. You’d probably think I was an asshole.”

“Don’t worry, Ronan, I already think you’re an asshole.” Adam grinned as Ronan reached behind him without looking and smacked him in the arm. Ronan’s whole body was turned away from him now, embarrassed and defensive. Adam knew Ronan found conversations like this difficult, even in dreams, so he said, “But seriously, you probably wouldn’t like me either, then. I’d never tell you anything about me but get angry that you didn’t know and swear at you or something.”

Ronan snorted before glancing over his shoulder. The way he did it was almost shy. “Honestly, we sound like a perfect match.”

Adam smiled and moved closer, drawing his knees up to his chest. “You’re the only person who knows anything about me, and that’s why I want to know you when we’re awake too, no matter how much of an asshole you are.”

He’d even told Ronan about his dad because there was no reason not to – even if Ronan _was_ real, he probably couldn’t remember Adam when he woke up either. Even knowing it was safe, though, it had been terrifying opening up. He’d suspected it had been that way for Ronan too, when he’d talked about his own father and his brutal death. But they’d done it, and had grown closer because of it.

He didn’t want that to all be in their heads.

Ronan considered what Adam had said before he finally turned back around. “Okay. But I still don’t know how we’re going to leave a note without fucking carving words into our bodies. And I’ve already carved enough shit into my body.”

He meant his attempted suicide a few years before, and possibly his tattoo. Not wanting to think about how he’d almost lost the person he’d come to care for so much before he even knew him—and not knowing what to do about the whole message thing—Adam asked, “Speaking of which, can I see your tattoo again?”

“You really have an obsession with it, don’t you?” Ronan teased, but yanked off his tank and let Adam look, as he always did.

Adam stared at the ink carved into his skin, getting lost in it as he always did. It was beautiful and complicated; vines and thorns and ravens chased each other and melded together in an intricate dance that Adam never got tired of watching. He had a feeling he could stare at this tattoo every day for the rest of his life and still never see all of it.

He loved it, and something inside of him ached.

He reached out to touch it, against all better judgement, and woke up.

 

\--

 

Ronan had known for some time now that he was gay, he’d just never acknowledged it until recently.

It had taken a long time for him to get over the ingrained belief that it was wrong, bred into him from going to church his whole life and the general views of society. He remembered distinctly a conversation he’d had with Declan when they were younger—when Declan was going through puberty and Ronan was not—where Declan had gone on and on about how great and pretty girls were. 8-year-old Ronan had said, “I don’t like girls”, probably to get his brother to shut up more than anything, and Declan had said “you will soon.”

Of course, Ronan never did grow to like girls in that way, but he didn’t admit to himself that maybe he was different until he nearly got a boner watching Thor with Gansey. After that point, it was impossible to hide it from himself.

So yeah, he was gay.

He still didn’t quite believe it wasn’t wrong to be that way.

He figured Adam was God’s punishment because he was witty and attractive and Ronan loved everything about him, which was pretty messed up considering that Adam was only a dream, no matter how real he insisted he was. His sole purpose was to torture Ronan with his beautiful hands and his beautiful eyes and remind him that he couldn’t have anything like this in real life.

At least he couldn’t remember him when he woke up, though of course that also brought its own agonies. He ached for him at night in his sleep, but when he woke he was always confused, disoriented, and sometimes painfully aroused, and he could never remember why until he went to sleep again the next night.

It was agony, but no part of him wanted to stop.

Hanging out with Adam had become routine. He was always there now, in his dream forest, and Ronan couldn’t avoid him even if he wanted to, so they wandered around until they found a nice place to hang out and then just sat and…talked. It was strange, because Ronan didn’t just sit down and talk with people, but he always _wanted_ to with Adam.

The other weird thing was that he had, for the most part, stopped having nightmares. He was sure, though, that the nightmares would return as soon as he told Adam how he felt about him.

Because this was his punishment and his torture, Ronan had no doubts that Adam would fail to reciprocate his feelings or disappear altogether once Ronan confessed. But the truly stupid thing was that he still wanted to tell him – he was hooked on the small things, like when Adam laughed at his jokes or shoved at his shoulder. Every accidental touch seared through his skin like wildfire and he wanted more of it; he wanted Adam’s hands and lips everywhere on his body, and if he wasn’t already dreaming about Adam, he would probably be dreaming about Adam touching him.

He wanted it so much it physically hurt.

“You’re staring again,” Adam said, drawing Ronan from his thoughts.

He was indeed staring at Adam, as he so often was, and Adam was staring back, as he so often was. Ronan couldn’t remember when they’d started this game, looking and looking and not looking away when the other noticed.

They were stretched out in a mossy clearing of the forest, weak sunlight filtering through small gaps in the canopy. Large, antient trees circled the clearing, stretching so high that Ronan couldn’t see their crowns even when he craned his neck all the way back. He and Adam always managed to find a new place to relax in the forest—due to the never-ending possibilities of dreams, he supposed—and they had taken to throwing out names for the new places they discovered. Ronan had jokingly called this place ‘Old Man’s Grove’ and Adam had laughed, walked up to the thickest tree, and wrapped his arms around its trunk. His arms didn’t even reach a quarter of the way around.

“When I’m old, I want to be this thick,” Adam had said, and Ronan had snorted so hard he’d nearly choked.

Ronan had joined him at the tree and wrapped his arms around the trunk as well. His fingers were tantalizing inches from Adam’s. “When I’m old, I want to be this hard.”

Adam barked out a shrill laugh. “Yeah, good luck with that.”

When he’d pulled away, his fingers had brushed Ronan’s.

Ronan had thought, fuck it. He could live with this only being a dream.

So as they laid there in the moss, instead of answering Adam, Ronan rolled over and kissed him.

For a terrifying moment, Adam didn’t respond. Before Ronan could lose his nerve and pull back, however, Adam reached for him, tugging their bodies closer together, and kissed him back with a fire that burned down to Ronan’s bones. The kiss had started out gentle and tentative but was now something more, something greater. It was every mile Ronan had ever gone over the speed limit. It was every good thought he’d had about himself after his father died. It was Adam making small little gasping noises when Ronan pressed into him in just the right way. It was their noses bumping together and them breaking apart to laugh about it before ducking in again.

It was perfect.

It was Ronan’s first kiss.

“I’ve been waiting forever for you to do that,” Adam sighed as they pulled apart to breathe.

Ronan couldn’t stop staring at the splash of freckles across his nose. “Then why didn’t _you_ do it, asshole?”

“I don’t know, I thought…” Adam broke off to roll onto his back and stare up at the canopy. “I guess I thought I made the whole thing up.”

Ronan hesitated before reaching out and brushing Adam’s cheek with his finger. Adam turned to meet his gaze and Ronan’s throat felt dry, his heart pumping erratically in his chest. As Adam’s hand came up to gently squeeze Ronan’s, Ronan whispered, “You are real, aren’t you?”

Because he had been wrong – before hadn’t been his punishment. _This_ was. For nothing could be more punishing than this: falling in love, being loved back, but with someone that you may or may not have made up in your own head.

Adam leaned forward and pressed their foreheads together. “I’m real, I promise.”

 

\--

 

Adam was coming home from doing work for the forest one night when he came across a bright orange Camaro broken down on the side of the highway.

He recognized the car, because who wouldn’t? Everyone who went to Aglionby—and most people who didn’t—knew of Richard Campbell Gansey III, or at least knew of his family. The Gansey Clan was one of the richest families in the nation, and Gansey III’s mother was currently running for Congress. It was hard _not_ to know them. Plus, Gansey III’s car was so distinctive it could be seen from miles away. It could be heard from miles away.

It was also renown for constantly breaking down.

So Adam wasn’t surprised to see it, really, he just wasn’t sure if he should do something about it. Gansey wasn’t someone he particularly wanted to associate with, as he was Aglionby and Adam tended to hate all things Aglionby. He was a politer Aglionby than most Aglionbys, but it didn’t really improve Adam’s opinion of him that much.

But something compelled him to stop his bike next to where Gansey was bent over the hood and ask, “Do you need help?”

Gansey startled so badly that he banged his head on the lid of the hood. Clutching the sore spot, he turned and squinted at Adam. “…Adam Parrish, right? In fact, you may be just the one to help me.”

The way he said it irritated Adam – he resented the implication that his sole purpose of existing was to help Gansey. It was a miracle he didn’t just bike away right then and there. He almost snapped something unkind, but then Gansey said, “Will you teach me how to fix this?”

They easily became friends after that. Gansey was good at sticking his foot in his mouth and Adam was good at getting offended by it, but they both had similar scholarly interests and a sense of adventure. The more Adam spent time with Gansey, the more he realized that Gansey wasn’t as Aglionby as he’d originally thought: Gansey was considerate (to the best of his ability), intellectual, and excited to discover things. He enjoyed solving puzzles and the research and journey it took to find things. He read more books than anyone else in their age class.

Adam adored him when he wasn’t mad at him, and their friendship progressed smoothly.

Now he was sitting in Latin and Gansey was sitting next to him. One of Gansey’s friends—Ronan Lynch, as he’d been introduced—was sitting diagonal from Adam, behind Gansey. There was something about him that bothered Adam, but he couldn’t place it. Almost like…he knew him from somewhere.

“And Ronan, this is Adam Parrish,” Gansey finished, gesturing with his hand.

Adam nodded at Ronan, but Ronan didn’t even look at him as he addressed Gansey, “Another pet project, Dick?”

Adam’s blood boiled. Who did this guy think he was to walk all over him like that? Somehow, though, he could sense that getting angry was exactly what this guy wanted him to do. So he forced the anger down, like he’d been doing for years, and said coolly, “That’s strange, I thought _you_ were Gansey’s dog?”

Ronan snarled and Gansey shifted, as if to intervene, but just then Whelk walked in and started the class, ending the conversation for now. When he turned to face the board, Adam could still feel the heat of Ronan’s glare against the back of his neck.

The day didn’t improve their interactions much. Ronan was irritable and snappy almost the entire time Adam had to interact with him and it was starting to put Adam in a foul mood. He was tired of being pointlessly insulted; he was tired of arguing; he was tired of proving that he belonged here.

He considered telling Gansey that he would be more than happy to be friends with him just as long as he didn’t have to interact with Ronan, but decided to let it go for the day. Maybe tomorrow would be better.

That night, after hours of work and homework and more work, Adam woke in the forest and a thrill shot through his fingertips.

Ronan was _real_. He existed and Adam had met him and been in proximity to him and, best of all, Adam hadn’t made up the person who he was starting to love so much. But then he remembered how Ronan had treated him all day, how different he’d been from the Ronan he’d come to know. Was he just supposed to forgive that because they were something more than friends in their dreams? Just because he didn’t remember didn’t mean he could treat Adam like shit.

Standing up, Adam made his way through the forest, wandering aimlessly. He always bumped into Ronan eventually, so he didn’t try very hard and just trusted his feet as he walked.

Soon enough, he came across Ronan sitting at a pool, his feet in the water and his pants rolled up to his knees. Other than the fact that the pool obviously wasn’t acid this time, it was very reminiscent of how they’d first met.

For the first time, Adam dreaded walking over to him.

He almost considered turning around, but Ronan had already spotted him. He scrambled to stand and started making his way over to Adam, something close to a grin on his face. “ _Adam_ , you _are_ real…!”

Adam stood there stiffly and let Ronan approach. When he got closer, Ronan reached for him and pushed strands of his hair back behind his ear. The touch made Adam shiver, though he wished that it didn’t. “Are you seriously fucking telling me I could’ve been kissing you all day today instead of just thinking about it?”

Adam pushed his hand away, irritation searing through him. How could Ronan talk like that after what had happened today? “Why were you so rude to me? You literally couldn’t open your mouth today without insulting me.”

Ronan looked surprised. “I wasn’t—” Stopping, he sighed and scrubbed the back of his head. “Look, I don’t—” But those words didn’t work either. Making a frustrated sound in the back of his throat, something in Ronan’s gaze darkened and he looked away. “…I told you you wouldn’t like me in real life.”

Something stung deep in Adam’s chest seeing this vulnerability that Ronan almost never showed, even around him. He took a deep breath. He of all people knew what had happened to Ronan; he knew that lashing out and possessive jealousy happened when you were used to losing the people you cared about. Not that he could’ve remembered, but he struggled to rein his temper in, to understand.

“I know you wouldn’t have said that if you’d remembered,” Adam said eventually. “But it was still a shitty thing to say.”

“I know.” Ronan looked miserably down at his feet. “Shitty things are all I know how to say anymore.”

Ronan sighed and kicked at the ground. “The worst thing is I’m not going to remember this and be fucking rude to you again tomorrow. I don’t know why I’m so fucking—”

“Hey,” Adam interrupted. He stepped forward and cupped Ronan’s cheeks in his hands, forcing his head up to look at him. “You’re healing. I get that. It’s just…I’m trying to heal too, you know?”

“Yeah.” Ronan closed his eyes and pressed their foreheads together. “…Is it too soon to say that I love you?”

Adam startled, though he tried hard to hide it. But of course, they were standing so close together it was impossible to hide it. Ronan blinked his eyes open and gave him a strained smile. “Too soon then.”

“No, I just…” Words died on Adam’s tongue. He didn’t know how he felt; he didn’t even know if he was _capable_ of love. What if he was too broken? What if… “What if we never remember each other when we’re awake?”

“Then we’ll just have to fucking do it again,” Ronan said harshly. Adam opened his mouth but Ronan plowed on, “It’ll fucking suck, but Parrish, there is literally no universe where I don’t love you. It’ll happen again.”

Adam was frozen. Ronan had now told him he loved him _twice_. How was he supposed to respond? He knew he cared deeply for Ronan, and was _probably_ in love with him, but…how did he know for sure? How was he supposed to _say_ it, if he was?

“…Maybe we _should_ carve messages into our bodies,” Adam said, even though the conversation wasn’t really about that.

Ronan laughed, let him change the subject. Right then, Adam was unreasonably grateful for it. “Hell Parrish, you can carve every word on my body. I’m sure I’ll understand when I wake up with the name of someone I don’t think I like permanently marked on my body.”

Adam laughed too, a weak one that barely left his ribcage. “This is so fucked up. _We’re_ so fucked up.”

“I’ll toast to that,” Ronan said and kissed him.

Adam kissed him back before he pulled away slightly. He rested their foreheads together and, because it was a dream, said, “I really like you, Ronan. I don’t want to do it again; I don’t trust myself not to fuck it up.”

“I’ll fuck up way before you will – you saw how I handled today,” Ronan replied. He was blushing as he kissed the bridge of Adam’s nose.

“I didn’t handle it well either,” Adam admitted. He could feel his consciousness tugging him away so he reached up to grip Ronan’s shoulders. “At least we have Gansey to stop us from killing each other.”

Adam woke with the echo of Ronan’s laughter in his ear.

 

\--

 

Ronan kind of hated Parrish.

He was good friends with Gansey, knew how to hold his own, and was not intimidated easily. Ronan both admired and despised these traits about him, and it confused him. It would be one thing if Parrish was just an asshole, but he was _also_ incredibly smart, stubborn, and attractive as hell. And he had those stupid adorable freckles splattered across his nose…

Ronan hated how Parrish made him feel; he felt dangerous, explosive, close to opening the box he’d sealed shut for so long, close to destroying all of the fragile strands of self-care he had left. He hated that he wanted to like Parrish, that he knew he could willingly turn his back on God for someone like him.

It made him feel dirty, wrong.

And he couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d met him somewhere before.

“So let me get this straight,” Gansey was saying as the three of them sat at a table for lunch. It was always the three of them now: Parrish was with them everywhere they went. He shared all of their classes, Gansey invited him to sit with them for lunch, he hung out at Monmouth until he had to work or whatever it was Parrishes did in the evenings. There was no escape from Ronan’s feelings and it was slowly driving him crazy. “You wandered into a forest a couple of months ago and…made a _bargain_ with it?”

“Yes,” Parrish said as he took out a measly sandwich from his backpack and nothing else. “I know it sounds crazy, but that forest is sentient, Gansey. I think you would love it.”

Gansey had his thumb to his lip and he was faintly shaking, which meant he certainly did love it but was trying not to show it. Ronan rolled his eyes, exasperated but fond. Gansey would chase any breadcrumb trail, no matter how small, and Ronan would follow him, no matter how stupid.

He just hadn’t expected Parrish to also be as crazy as them.

“We should go check it out!” Gansey declared after some thought. “Adam, can you communicate with it?”

“Sort of,” Adam rubbed the back of his neck in a self-conscious way. “I can hear it talking to me, but…I can’t really understand it. And I haven’t tried communicating with it.”

“But you know how to get there?”

“Yeah. I go there all the time to move rocks and stuff for it.”

Ronan snorted. The other two glared at him.

“Let’s go today!” Gansey suggested. “You don’t have work, right, Adam?”

“Nope. I just have to be back before dark.”

“Will you be okay with that, Ronan?” Gansey asked.

Ronan snorted again. _Now_ he cared about his opinion. “Why the fuck wouldn’t I be?”

“Don’t your nightmares usually involve running through forests? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“It’s fine, it’s not really the forest that’s the scary part. Besides, I don’t really have those types of dreams anymore.”

Gansey looked bewildered, but also delighted. “You _don’t_? Ronan, that’s great! When did they stop?”

Ronan opened his mouth but then closed it again. He blinked. He couldn’t remember when he’d stopped having nightmares.

Parrish was watching him carefully and Ronan suddenly felt too exposed. Too open. Curling his shoulders in, he crossed his arms and glared. “I don’t know Dick, I don’t keep a fucking diary.”

Parrish snorted back a laugh. Ronan felt oddly pleased with himself.

“That’s the best thing I’ve heard today,” Gansey said and, like the dad that he was, sounded like he meant it. “Then, with this good fortune on our side, let’s journey to this sentient forest! _Excelsior!_ ”

 

\--

 

They went immediately after school, piling into the Pig. Ronan made Parrish sit in the back because if he was willing to give up his heart and his pride to him, then at least he was keeping his fucking seat in the car.

The Pig started on the first try with a happy growl, something that made Gansey unbearably pleased.

“It’s a good omen,” he said, and grinned the entire drive to the forest.

As Parrish directed them, Ronan slouched in his seat and put his feet up on the dash, ignoring Gansey’s protests. Despite what he’d told them, going to the forest did make him a little uneasy. In his dreams, the forest was always sentient too, and it felt too close to home to be journeying to one while he was awake. Forests held magic—he believed that—and who knew if this one was going to be friendly or not.

Maybe this one wanted him dead too.

“This is it,” Parrish said after a few minutes of driving on a dirt road. Ronan glanced warily at the trees as Gansey pulled over as much as possible. The place gave him the same feeling he got when he met Parrish the first time, and it unnerved him.

He’d been here before.

But it was too late to turn back now; Gansey had already gotten out of the car and was digging around in the back for his equipment, which meant the adventure had officially started. Ronan took a deep breath, sent a short prayer to God, and stepped out of the car.

The memories struck him like a tsunami. He remembered almost drowning, and he remembered Adam saving him. He remembered showing him his tattoo for the first time; he remembered when Adam had opened up to him about his dad in the dark shadow of the moon; he remembered kissing him in Old Man’s Grove; he remembered the first time they’d done more than that in the shelter of a cave.

He remembered _everything_ , and it was such a relief that he almost cried.

He glanced at Adam and knew that he’d remembered, too.

“Ronan,” Adam sighed, and the smile on his face could melt glaciers.

They fell into each other, Adam kissing him desperately and Ronan wrapping his arms around him for dear life. He was afraid that if he let go he would forget him again. They kissed again and again and again and it felt bigger than life; the love Ronan felt in his chest for him was enough to choke him. Kissing Adam was a thousand times better now that they were awake.

“Uh,” a voice said, startling them. They’d forgotten Gansey was there. When they turned to their friend, he was gaping at them. “Has this…? When did _this_ happen? I thought you guys didn’t like each other…??”

“Fuck, man, this happened _forever_ ago,” Ronan said and grinned at Adam. He couldn’t stop running his hands up underneath his shirt and touching his skin; he was warm and so very _real_.

Adam grinned back and kissed him again before turning to Gansey. “Shit Gans, have we got the story to tell you!”


	5. I am He as You are He as You are Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning, Ronan woke up next to Gansey, not Adam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry this took so long! My mental health took a turn for the worst yesterday so I didn’t get as much done as I wanted to, but I feel much better today and was able to crank this out for you all! I had a lot of fun writing it – body swapping is one of my absolute favorite tropes EVER!! I wanted to write more honestly, but it felt like it was already getting out of hand, and I wanted to focus on pynch since, you know, pynchweek xD Who knows though, maybe I’ll come back to this universe someday :P  
> Anyway, hope you enjoy and thanks for reading!! I know technically pynchweek is over soon, but I still have another three entries that’ll be coming your way hopefully soon!  
> P.S. Cabeswater is a prankster change my fucking mind

I.

It all started when Gansey suggested they go camping.

Instead of wanting to camp in a national park of some kind like a normal person, Gansey wanted to camp in Cabeswater. His logic was that they always wanted to explore it and start trying to make a map, so why not spend a full two days there, submerged in the forest, learning its ways? At the time, everyone had been enthusiastic about the idea.

They might not have been if they’d known what was going to happen.

It started out fine. They spent the day wandering and mapping and getting lost in nature. At one point, Ronan found himself physically lost in nature with Adam; though they were the Greywaren and the Magician respectively, neither of them asked for Cabeswater to help guide them. There was a part of Ronan that enjoyed being lost in the woods with Adam, and it seemed like Adam might feel the same way.

They’d been skirting this… _thing_ between them for some time now. Neither of them liked to mention it directly. They both knew it was happening, and they both played the game, but neither of them had tried to win it. Ronan no longer looked away when Adam caught him staring at him, but he didn’t do anything more either; he was afraid to, afraid that the teasing and smiles that Adam gave him would go away if he did.

But here, right now, in Cabeswater’s warm protection, it felt like anything could happen.

“Aha!” Adam exclaimed suddenly and hurried forward. Once he reached the tree, he slammed his palm on its trunk and turned to Ronan triumphantly. “See? I told you we’d eventually pass this tree more than five times.”

It was a strange tree, but that was what made it so wonderful: it was an oak tree, but somewhere along the way in its growth it had become twisted and convoluted until it grew every which way. One of the trunks had grown completely horizontal for a while before suddenly jarring upwards at a 45-degree angle and then straightening out again. The horizontal bit looked like it made a good bench to sit on, if one was willing to try and climb up to it.

Ronan had bet Adam they wouldn’t pass it more than five times on their lost adventures. The loser had to try and climb the tree.

“You just want to see me fall on my ass, don’t you Parrish?” Ronan scoffed but shirked off his shirt and began climbing the tree.

It was actually quite easy, considering how weird the angles were: there were ridges and cavities bored into the trunks by animals or insects, making perfect handholds for climbing. The only times Ronan got stuck was when the trunk turned in a really acute angle, which forced him to shimmy around to the other side of the trunk so he could climb more safely.

But he made it, and when he did he stood on the flat surface triumphantly. “Ha! Bet you can’t make it up here, Parrish!”

Adam was already at the base of the tree, his hands on the trunk and his eyes gleaming with challenge as he stared up at Ronan. “What do I get if I make it there?”

“…I’ll tell you my deepest, darkest secret,” Ronan said, because Adam looked gorgeous staring up at him like that in his natural forest element and it felt like anything could happen.

Adam hesitated for only a second before taking off his shirt and beginning to eagerly hoist himself up the tree. It wasn’t often that Ronan offered his secrets for such a cheap price, after all, and Adam was a sucker for bargains.

Ronan carelessly draped himself across the tree ledge as he watched Adam climb. This was a prize in itself, really – watching Adam’s muscles move with no clothes to block his imagination. He watched the sweat gleam off of his tan skin and imagined licking it off of him, imagined what it would taste like, imagined what kind of noise Adam would make as he did it, imagined how his breath would stutter under his tongue.

It was dangerous, letting himself think these thoughts when Adam was so close. There was no telling what he might do.

But then again, he knew Adam was an excellent climber. And he knew exactly what he was going to tell him when he made his way up here.

Adam didn’t make Ronan wait long. He dragged himself onto the ledge quicker than Ronan had, pushing Ronan’s legs aside to make room for himself to sit down. He was panting lightly and his skin gleamed even brighter under the light filtering in from the canopy now that he was closer to Ronan. And he smelled wonderful, too, like the crushed needles of a grand fir.

This was dangerous.

“Alright, Lynch,” Adam said when he caught his breath. “What’s the secret?”

He was looking at Ronan in a way that made it impossible to doubt how he felt. They’d been playing this game together all along, and yet neither of them had quite believed they were both playing the same game. Ronan believed it now; looking at Adam like this, so close to him, and smelling that citrusy scent, he could believe anything.

So he sat up, cupped Adam’s cheek in his hand, and kissed him.

When he pulled back, Adam had a small smile on his face. “Oh. _That_? That’s not a secret – I already knew about that.”

“Asshole,” Ronan growled through a laugh, but didn’t pull away when Adam leaned in to kiss him again.

Suddenly, the light disappeared. It was so abrupt that it made both of them jump and nearly fall backwards out of the tree. The stars started to break through the total darkness, much faster than they would normally, and eventually one burned so bright that it cast a dim light over Ronan and Adam.

Ronan straightened into a defensive posture. “Horror movie setting.”

“Romantic candlelight,” Adam corrected.

They stared at each other. And then they burst out laughing.

“Cabeswater, you little shit,” Ronan gasped. The trees shook around them and it felt like they were laughing, too.

“I feel like Cabeswater’s become more playful lately,” Adam said, leaning forward to kiss his way up Ronan’s jaw. He whispered into Ronan’s ear, “It really does take after you.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Ronan growled, a shiver slicing up his spine. He gingerly placed his hands on Adam’s chest, let his fingers splay out across his ribs. “But yeah, next thing we know it’s going to be playing practical jokes on us.”

“Oh God, I can’t even imagine what it’ll come up with,” Adam laughed, but they didn’t waste time on speculating.

Instead, they sat in that tree and kissed and kissed until they had utterly lost all track of time, not that time worked normally in Cabeswater anyway. They kissed until their lips were bruised and they had traced over almost every inch of their bodies with their fingers, touching and probing. In a way, they were doing their own kind of mapping; exploring and worshipping and finding out what touch and where made the other gasp.

And in the background, Cabeswater changed the ambience to fit their moods. It increased and decreased the light when it thought it was necessary, changed the colors around them, blew wind across their fevered skin when it felt like the heat was too much to bear. At one point it sounded like a song whistled through the trees, but Ronan couldn’t catch what song it was before Adam distracted him by biting down on his skin.

It was magical. It was perfect.

But eventually, they parted, knowing their friends would worry if they didn’t find their way back soon. Ronan could hardly breathe; he felt like he’d been underwater for hours.

“We should’ve done that months ago,” Adam said as they caught their breaths and carefully picked their way down from the tree.

 _Years_ , Ronan almost said, but he didn’t really want Adam to know just how long he’d been playing their game.

They put on their shirts and walked back to the campsite hand-in-hand, Cabeswater showing them the way now that they both wanted to head back. Ronan’s palm was entirely too sweaty—despite how long they’d spent making out, he was nervous about _handholding_ of all things, Blue would never let him live it down if she found out—and he prayed that Adam couldn’t tell.

That night, they all roasted marshmallows and made s’mores, Ronan teaching Adam how to get it just right since he had never done anything like that before. Gansey told stories about Glendower and Henry told Korean horror stories and Blue talked about the endangered rainforests. Ronan made up stupidly hilarious stories about Declan and Adam made up hilariously stupid stories about Declan until they were all rolling around laughing.

But eventually everyone started to get tired, and they all retired to their tents. Gansey, Blue, and Henry were sharing a tent that was barely big enough to fit the three of them while Ronan and Adam had each brought their own. After the events of today, though, Ronan wondered if he really had to sleep alone.

Poking his head out, and watching Adam struggle to fix a shitty pole on his tent, he barked, “Your tent is actual garbage Parrish, just get the fuck in here.”

“It’s good enough,” Adam protested, like the stubborn asshole he was.

Ronan rolled his eyes. “I’ll make Cabeswater knock it down at night if you don’t get in here.”

Adam glared at him, but after a moment of a locked stare-down he must’ve realized what Ronan’s true reasons for wanting him in his tent were because he threw the poles onto the ground, stalked over to Ronan’s tent, and forced himself inside.

Ronan’s tent was humongous, so there was no reason to lay close to each other, but they pretended that wasn’t true and curled close together anyway. It was too hot to be in their sleeping bags so they slept on top of them, staring at each other in the faint light.

Adam moved first, tossing his leg up over Ronan’s.

It was more or less easy after that; they knocked limbs and shoved each other around until they settled into a comfortable, tangled position. Adam’s legs were hooked around Ronan’s knees and Ronan had his arm thrown around Adam’s waist and his face shoved into his neck. It was still too hot for this behavior, but they pretended that wasn’t true, either.

Instead, Ronan pressed closer to Adam.

This was how it should be.

 

II.

The next morning, Ronan woke up next to Gansey, not Adam.

Rearing back, he flailed, trying to wrench himself out of his sleeping bag. His body felt weird and disproportionate and he couldn’t figure out how he’d gotten into Gansey’s tent. And actually, why the hell was he in his sleeping bag?! It had been hot as hell when he’d gone to sleep!

But holy shit, had kissing Adam been a _dream_? Had he kissed _Gansey_ in some fever-induced haze?!

In his panic, Ronan accidentally knocked Gansey in the knee with his foot, causing Gansey to sleepily blink his eyes open. “…Blue?”

… _Blue?!_ He knew Gansey was blind without his glasses or contacts, but holy _shit!_ Wait… _Blue?_ Gansey almost _never_ called Blue Blue.

“I’m not—!” Ronan shouted but stopped because that was _not his voice._ It had come out higher-pitched and… _womanly_.

Glancing down warily, things started to click into place: he was wearing some kind of weird nightgown that looked like it had started off its life as a sparkly blue bath curtain. His skin was dark and long hair drooped down into his face from where part of it was clipped up. The nails of the foot he’d kicked Gansey with were covered in neon yellow nail polish.

He was also about five feet tall.

…Oh _fuck_ no.

“Blue, how did you get in my tent? Where’s Ronan?” Gansey asked, and Ronan suddenly realized with growing horror that Gansey wasn’t Gansey either. He had to be…

“…Parrish?” Ugh, he couldn’t get used to talking in Blue’s voice.

Gansey—no, Adam—scrunched his eyebrows together. “Why are you calling me—?”

And then it seemed to occur to him that something was off. He glanced down at himself, blanched, and glanced up at Ronan. “…What the fuck? Blue, I’m—”

“Yeah, I know, I am too. I’m not Sargent by the way,” Ronan growled.

Adam squinted at him. “ _Lynch_?”

“Unfortunately.”

Adam squinted at him some more before he rolled onto his back and started hooting with laughter. It was unsettling watching Gansey’s body laugh so uproariously at someone else’s suffering.

“Shut the fuck up!” Ronan hissed and attempted to kick him. It felt like there was no power behind his tiny limbs. “You’re literally fucking _Gansey_ right now.”

“Yeah, but—” Adam could barely speak through his laughter. “You’re _Blue_.”

Ronan growled and decided he’d had enough of this, so he threw himself out of the tent. As he stomped outside, he saw Adam climb out of Ronan’s tent. Except, it couldn’t _really_ be Adam, because Adam was currently inside Gansey.

“Bluebird?” was the horrific thing that came out of Adam’s mouth.

Oh God it was _Henry_.

“…What in the world is going on…?” a familiar voice said as someone else climbed out behind Henry.

…Oh _God_ that was his _body_ climbing out of his tent over there.

Ronan didn’t know how to process any of this. It was unreal; it was somehow stranger than anything else they’d ever faced before. For a while he just stood there, stupefied, as he watched his body slowly approach him. “…Jane?”

“No, that’s Ronan,” Adam said as he finally joined everyone outside the tent. “I don’t know what the hell’s going on, but I think we should figure out who’s in who’s body to avoid any more confusion. I’m Adam.”

“And I’m Henry,” Adam’s body said.

“I’m Gansey, but…” Ronan’s body said as he thumbed at his lip. Ronan decided that he hated watching Gansey’s habits manifesting on his body. “I’m sorry, but am I _Ronan_ right now?”

“Sucks, doesn’t it?” Ronan snapped at him.

Gansey shook out his legs. “I’m not used to being this tall.”

Ugh, Ronan was getting a headache watching his own body do stuff.

“Cabeswater, what the fuck?!” Ronan shouted at the sky, already done with this nonsense. “Change us back!”

Nothing happened.

“Cabeswater!” Gansey—no, _Adam_ , fuck this was confusing—shouted. “Change us back!”

Again, nothing happened.

“What the shit?!” Ronan hissed.

“Maybe it’s not listening because we’re not in the bodies of the Greywaren or the Magician,” Adam speculated.

“But it _did_ this to us – shouldn’t it be the only one not confused?”

“Perhaps it wasn’t purposeful,” Gansey said. Ronan did not like looking at his own body talking like an old person. It was just wrong. “Here, I’ll try – Cabeswater, uhh…”

Ronan had to acidly supply him with the Latin. When Gansey stumbled over the pronunciations, but more or less said it, however, Cabeswater still did nothing.

“…We should ask Fox Way about this,” Adam said eventually.

“Great,” Ronan grumbled.

Gansey looked over at him, amused. “You may have to live there for a while, Ronan, considering you’re Jane right now.”

Ronan reared back. “Oh _fuck_ no—”

Just then, Henry, presumably Blue, crawled out of the tent and glanced around at all of them. She stared for a good minute before saying eloquently, “Well this is fucked.”

 

III.

Of course, the women at 300 Fox Way had known immediately what was happening.

Maura opened the door in a fit of hysterics. “I must say you kids certainly get yourselves into a lot of strange situations!”

“How can you laugh about this?” Blue demanded. She pointed at Ronan. “ _Ronan’s_ in my body!!”

Adam snorted. “You have to admit that’s really funny.”

“I don’t think it’s very funny,” Calla hissed, appearing out of nowhere and latching onto Ronan’s shoulder, her hand like a claw. “How dare you inhabit Blue’s precious body, snake.”

“Trust me, I don’t want to fucking be here either,” Ronan growled, attempting to shove her off. A horrible thought occurred to him suddenly and he turned to Blue. “Oh God, you’re not on your period are you?”

Calla smacked him in the back of the head as she withdrew her hand. Blue glared at him, though most of the heat of it was lost in translation to Henry’s face. “ _No_ , God, why would you even ask that?”

“I don’t want to fucking deal with that! I already have to deal with having… _woman parts_.” Ronan shuddered at the thought.

“Oh, poor you,” Blue snapped as she crossed her arms. “I hope my period _does_ start when you’re in my body, just to spite you; then you’d know how awful it is.”

Ronan bared his teeth at her but, before he could say anything, Gansey stepped forward. It went against all laws of nature that Ronan’s body was attempting to mediate conflict. “Ms. Sargent, do you have any ideas on why this has happened or how we can fix it?”

“How many times have I told you to call me Maura – none of that ‘Ms. Sargent’ crap,” Maura snapped. Ronan shuddered as Gansey made his face look remorseful. _Fuck_ Gansey was going to ruin his reputation.

Maura sipped her dubious tea concoction as she settled down on their ratty couch. She seemed entirely unphased considering the situation. “Honestly, I think Cabeswater is just having a little fun. It sees you guys clowning around all the time and wants to seem more like its human companions, so it’s playing around.”

“So Cabeswater’s pulling a prank on us,” Henry said.

Ronan pointed at Adam. “I fucking _told_ you it would!”

“Is there a way we can ask it to stop?” Gansey asked.

“We already tried that, remember?” Adam said. “It didn’t respond to me or Ronan.”

“Just let it have its fun, I’m sure it’ll return you all to normal soon enough,” Maura said, smirking around her tea cup.

Ronan glared at her. “You’re fucking enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“I’m mainly looking forward to forcing you to do things as my daughter,” Maura cackled, a gleam of something sinister in her eyes.

Ronan got out of there as fucking fast as he could.

 

IV.

It turned out that the worst thing Maura made him do was go to _school_. She insisted he go to school because Blue would and it turned out that Mountainview Shitty High was _way_ worse than Aglionby. Mainly because Gansey and Adam weren’t there, but also because Blue was so short that he couldn’t intimidate people as easily as usual so people kept trying to… _talk_ to him. He even had to go to a guidance counseling meeting that made him want to kill himself. (Honestly, by storming out of there and getting nothing accomplished he was doing Blue a _favor_.)

The whole experience was horrific.

But at least after it was over, Adam came to walk home with him because Gansey would’ve done that for Blue.

“Parrish, thank God,” Ronan said as he saw him lurking on the sidewalk outside of Mountainshit. “This place is giving me hives.”

“You’ve been here for six hours,” Adam said, a smirk on his face. He was truly doing a poor job of imitating Gansey.

Ronan shot him a horrified look. “God, don’t _remind_ me.”

Adam laughed before glancing around suddenly. It was only then that Ronan realized people were staring at them, leaning their heads together to gossip quietly. He stared at Adam. “Fuck, how do Dick and Sargent usually act in public?”

Adam did a weird little half-shrug. “I don’t know, should we kiss or something? They’re always all over each other now that Blue’s no longer cursed.”

Ronan scoffed and glanced down at the ground. “Man, I can’t kiss you when you look like Gansey… I know short girls with weird outfits are your type, but—”

“You’re never going to let that go, are you?” Adam sighed. “Here, we can just hold hands or whatever – that should be fine, right?”

Ronan swallowed. “Uh, yeah, I guess.”

Adam grabbed his hand and essentially started dragging him off down the sidewalk. And even though they’d just done this last night, it was weird because it was _Gansey_. Even though he knew Adam was currently occupying his body, it was disconcerting to glance over and see Gansey’s face instead of Adam’s.

Despite all that, though Ronan’s hand was still so fucking sweaty. How goddamn embarrassing.

“This is so fucking weird,” Ronan grumbled, kicking at stray pebbles along the side of the road. The one good thing about dressing like Blue was that she had some killer Doc Martins. “Did you know girls have to _sit_ when they piss? Talk about inconvenient.”

Adam snorted. “Of course I knew that, Lynch, how did you _not_ know that? Do you think everyone has a penis?”

“I wish everyone had a penis.”

Adam shoved him. “It is kind of weird becoming comfortable with someone else’s genitals, though…”

“Please don’t tell me you were admiring Dick’s dick in the bathroom.”

“ _I wasn’t_!” Adam snarled, a blush on his face. “…Though that wouldn’t be the worst thing I’ve done to Gansey today…”

Ronan grinned, delighted and intrigued. “What the fuck did you do?”

 

V.

- _five hours earlier_ -

Adam thought that everyone must know something was off.

He couldn’t be a convincing Gansey. He had spent many nights agonizing and wishing he could be, but he couldn’t pull off the flawless politician’s smile or seeming genuinely interested when schmoozing with people. He was having trouble even _pretending_ that he could do it. Just this morning, he’d lost his dignity because he’d had to dress himself in a hideously bright-colored polo underneath his uniform and put on those… _boat shoes_. When he’d walked out and Ronan had practically been rolling on the floor from his laughter, he’d sworn and flipped him off before stalking out, a decidedly non-Gansey action.

And his behavior hadn’t much improved once he got to school. Adam had had no idea really how many people Gansey knew and engaged in pleasant conversation with. It was _exhausting_. Every step he took someone was whooping at him or slapping a hand on his shoulder or asking him about something mundane. It was hard not to act like Adam Parrish—ignore them, flinch when they touched him—and it was even harder to act like Gansey—act interested, have something interesting to say back, know who the fuck these people even were and how Gansey knew them.

It was a disaster.

He at least took comfort from the fact that Gansey was doing no better of a job imitating Ronan. In fact, he was arguably doing _worse_ – he was bad at permanently scowling, and more than once Adam had had to nudge him in the ribs because he’d been walking around with a goofy, utterly non-Ronan smile on his face. Every time he had to swear at someone, he stumbled on his words so much that it almost came out sounding polite. It was endlessly entertaining, and Adam almost hoped they stayed in each other’s bodies long enough just so he could show Ronan how bad of a job Gansey was doing.

He’d be mortified.

“This is incredibly difficult,” Gansey said to Adam as they walked to fourth period. (History, a class Ronan would never be caught dead in, but if Gansey was going to do anything with this opportunity he was going to make Ronan go to school.) He was thumbing his lip, which made Adam realize that maybe _he_ should be doing that, too.

“I know what you mean. I don’t know how you talk to so many people,” Adam grumbled. “Who even are they all?”

Gansey smiled and shrugged. “Mainly people I know from old clubs.”

“You do too many things,” Adam said, and Gansey laughed.

“I feel that way sometimes too.”

“Hey, Lynch!” a disgusting voice sneered. Adam and Gansey looked up to see Kavinsky grinning at them down the hall. “Still following Richard III around like a dumb dog, huh?”

This time, Gansey had no trouble. He glared at Kavinsky, tilted his chin up threateningly, and spat with venom, “Fuck off, dumb shit.”

And it was actually so much like Ronan that Adam acted completely on instinct. He laughed, and then, when Kavinsky had flipped them off and moved on, leaned over to press a chaste kiss to Ronan’s lips.

Except it wasn’t Ronan.

It was _Gansey_.

Adam reared back, horror flooding his body. Not only had he just _kissed Gansey_ but he had done it in the crowded halls of Aglionby, which meant that _at least thirty people had watched him do it._ Holy fuck, was he so desperate that he couldn’t help himself, even though he knew that Ronan wasn’t Ronan right now?!

Oh shit oh _fuck_.

“…I’m very confused,” Gansey said. He looked it, too. “Do you usually do this with Ronan? And did I just get kissed by myself?”

Adam gaped, flustered and at a complete loss for words. He tried to explain himself, but it just came out as a big jumble: “I—I mean, yeah, recently Ronan and I have been…But Gans, I didn’t mean—You just looked—Ronan—”

“…I think I’m going to go find Jane,” Gansey said, slowly inching away. He had on his politician’s smile, which looked like a nightmare on Ronan’s face. “I am happy for you and Ronan though, I truly am! I just don’t see you in that way, Adam, I’m sorry!”

Adam groaned and buried his face in his hands.

 

VI. 

Declan stalled when he saw Ronan at the end of the hall. Declan often stalled in the hall because of his younger brother—either because he was beating someone’s face in or passed out drunk against a locker—but this time he stalled merely because he absolutely could not believe what he was seeing.

Ronan was laughing. Ronan was smiling. He wasn’t slouching or wearing his tie improperly and he honest to God looked like he was flirting. Or trying to. The other boy seemed both charmed and offended by whatever was coming out of Declan’s brother’s mouth, which honestly wasn’t that surprising. But _this_ …this was surprising.

Declan didn’t mean the whole gay thing. He knew Ronan was gay—it had been obvious to him since the time he found a cut out picture of a shirtless Leonardo DiCaprio underneath Ronan’s bed—and it didn’t bother him. A lot of things bothered Declan about his younger brother, but being gay was not one of them. In fact, it was probably the least offensive thing about him.

But for the love of God, did the person of his younger brother’s obvious affections _really_ have to be Henry goddamn Cheng?

 

VII.

_-the present-_

“I can’t believe you kissed Gansey because he actually managed to act like me,” Ronan gasped, struggling to breathe through his laughter. “And cursing out _K_ of all people!”

“Will you shut the fuck up?” Adam hissed, a blush on his cheeks.

They had made it back to Monmouth before anyone else and were thus lounging around in the main room. Ronan was lying in Main Street of Gansey’s model of Henrietta—Blue’s body was small enough to do it without crushing anything, and Ronan had always wanted to—and Adam was spread out across the couch.

“No, I can’t, you’re so fucking desperate,” Ronan cackled, kicking his legs in the air. “ _Holy shit_.”

Adam threw a notebook at him and nearly took out the library. “I’m never kissing you again.”

“Yeah, good luck with that,” Ronan snorted. “I think today proved that you need to kiss me every time I say ‘fuck’.”

“I hate you.”

Ronan sarcastically blew him a kiss.

Just then, Blue burst her way into Monmouth. “We need to go back to Cabeswater and make it fix us. _Right. Now_.”

“Not having a good time as Cheng, Sargent?” Ronan asked, amused.

“No, Henry’s fine! I love him dearly, and it’s kind of fun hanging out with the Vancouver crowd at school and actually getting something accomplished when I protest!” Henry shot her a thumbs-up as he slipped by behind her. “No, the problem is _Gansey –_ he couldn’t control himself at school today and made me _kiss. Ronan._ ”

To his credit, Ronan held it in for about one second. Then he burst out laughing, resuming his limb flailing with how little he could keep his shit together. “Holy _fuck,_ Parrish _just_ told me a similar story! What the fuck is wrong with you guys? Am I the only one who didn’t try to kiss someone today?”

“I haven’t kissed anyone either, though I think Tad Carruthers wanted to,” Henry said. Adam and Ronan both made a noise of disgust. “I also totally bombed that history test, sorry Parrish.”

Adam looked like the world had just ended. “You _what_?!”

“See what I mean?” Blue shouted, gesturing wildly. “We’re all a disaster! We need to get our own bodies back!”

“I agree,” Gansey said, placing a hand on Blue’s shoulder. “Being Ronan is too exhausting.”

Ronan’s grin was sharp. “Isn’t it hell?”

“Being _you_ , Gans, is too exhausting,” Adam said, standing up from the couch. “Alright, let’s go back to Cabeswater.”

“Maybe if we camp again, Cabeswater will kindly switch us back while we’re sleeping,” Henry suggested.

Everyone mumbled their agreement and grabbed their camping gear that had been tossed haphazardly around Monmouth after the last excursion. When they headed down to the Pig to pack it all up, however, everyone realized there was a problem: Ronan—who was really Gansey—had automatically grabbed for the driver’s side door of the Pig.

“It’d be weird if someone saw anyone but Three driving the Pig,” Henry pointed out.

“Especially if the person driving was Ronan,” Adam added.

Gansey set his jaw but reluctantly handed the keys to Adam. “I dislike this plan.”

“Hey, at least I’m not the one in your body,” Ronan sniped back, but there was a part of him that really, _really_ wished he was. “I call shotgun.”

Gansey’s mouth dropped open. “ _No_.”

“Blue usually does occupy the passenger’s seat now,” Adam pointed out. Ronan pointed at him.

“Just because you’re dating now _doesn’t_ mean you can gang up on me about my car,” Gansey chided, but folded himself into the backseat, smacking his head on the way in. “ _God_ , Ronan, how do you stand being so tall?”

“Wait, wait, _wait_!” Henry shouted. “Lynch and Parrish are an _item_?!”

“Since when?” Blue screeched. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It literally just happened yesterday,” Adam snapped as he plopped down into the driver’s seat. He was determinedly not looking at anyone.

“Then why does Gansey know?!” Blue demanded.

“Because Parrish fucking kissed him earlier!” Ronan shouted, falling into laughter again.

“God, shut the fuck _up_ ,” Adam hissed and jammed the keys in the ignition so hard that the Pig started up without protest.

They were all silent for a moment, and then Henry said, “Oh, because he looks like Lynch right now?”

“It was a confusing time for me,” Gansey said. “I wasn’t sure who Adam was trying to appeal to honestly.”

“Shut up!!” Adam shouted and revved the car forward.

Everyone laughed, but dropped the teasing for now.

As the backseat dissolved into some ridiculous debate, Ronan cranked the window down and leaned his arm out. Just because he could—and because he had the station saved on Gansey’s radio—he switched on his pounding EDM. For once, Adam didn’t turn it off.

Perhaps he was starting to realize how great it was to drive to. Especially in the fucking Pig.  

Because he was sitting next to him, Ronan heard the little gasp that escaped Adam as he pushed the Pig onto the freeway. He must’ve been able to feel what gave Ronan chills whenever he thought about driving the Pig: the engine growling under his thighs, the squeal of the tires as he pushed the Camaro as fast as it could go. There was no high like it in the world; not even Kavinsky’s dreamed up drugs could do it.  

“Parrish,” Ronan said.

It was all it took for Adam to slam his foot down on the gas. Ronan let out a whoop as Adam shot into the HOV lane and blasted down the freeway, easily pushing the car to 70, 75, 80.

“Adam!” Gansey shouted, but whatever else he was going to say was lost to the wind and the music.  

Ronan glanced over at Adam, admired the satisfied grin across his face and the energy thrumming in his eyes. As he was watching, Adam turned and flashed him a grin, one full of wildness and adrenaline and gasoline.

God, how Ronan wished he didn’t look like Gansey right now, because he wanted to kiss him.

“Hey Gansey Boy!” someone shouted from the next lane over. Ronan glared out the window to see Kavinsky’s band of merry fucks all packed into the car next to them. Kavinsky was strangely absent, however—they were in some other shit car, rather than the Mitsubishi—and it was Prokopenko sneering the taunts. “You teaching Lynch how to drive?”

Ronan almost snarled back before he remembered that he had to let Gansey answer.

“Fuck you, you know?” Gansey shouted back.

“Fuck me,” Ronan groaned and put his head in his hands. Adam snickered. “Is that how he’s been all day?”

“Pretty much,” Adam replied. Ronan groaned again. To his surprise, however, Adam leaned over him to say to Kavinsky’s pack, “Lynch would be lucky to learn how to drive like this.”

And to Ronan’s utter delight, pushed the car up to 90 and zoomed past the other car.

“Parrish, I think I might love you,” Ronan said, grinning.

“Gross!” Blue shouted.

Ronan cheerfully sent her the middle finger.

“You heathens are going to wreck my car,” Gansey bemoaned.

Adam just grinned at Ronan and Ronan felt the weight of it in his chest.

Fuck, he was so far gone.

Despite Gansey’s worry, they all made it to Cabeswater in one piece, and in record time if Ronan did say so himself – he was so fucking proud of Adam. As before, they trekked into Cabeswater and set their tents up in the main clearing. No one was as eager to explore this time around—as it felt dangerous to do something vaguely unsafe when none of them could get used to the bodies they were in—so they set up the campfire right away. They roasted marshmallows and made fun of each other for all of the dumb things they’d done in each other’s bodies today and all around them Cabeswater hummed with amusement. Ronan could feel it in his skin, and seeing Cabeswater so happy almost made him willing to forgive it for this.

The outcomes of this adventure had been fucking hilarious, after all.

But they were all ready to go back to their own bodies.

So as the fire went out, they crawled into their respective bodies’ tents, Adam, Ronan, and Blue diving into Gansey’s tent and Gansey and Henry settling into Ronan’s tent. Around them, the forest quieted as Cabeswater created a safe and peaceful setting for their sleep.

“Gansey Boy, it’s a good thing we love each other or this would be very awkward,” Henry could be heard saying from Ronan’s and Adam’s tent.

“What the fuck are they doing in there?” Ronan hissed.

Adam shook his head. “Hopefully we’ll find out tomorrow.”

“Or hopefully not,” Blue joked.

But they were hopeful as they all fell asleep. Ronan was especially hopeful, as right before Adam drifted off, he reached across the small space between them and grabbed Ronan’s hand.

This time, Ronan’s hand was not sweaty.

 

VIII.

Ronan woke up to Adam’s face and hope shivered down his spine. “…Adam?”

Adam’s eyes slid open slowly. He didn’t seem to be processing anything, as he was always groggy when he first woke up. (Ronan knew this from his time spent at St. Agnes; one time he had witnessed Adam get up, shower, and then come back into the room and tell Ronan he had to take a shower. Ronan had had to tell him—making fun of him all the while, of course—that he had already taken it.) But then his eyes focused. “…Ronan?”

Ronan breathed out a sigh of relief. “ _Fuck_ , yes.”

“Oh thank God,” Adam said and pulled him into a searing kiss.

“I told you you wouldn’t be able to never kiss me again,” Ronan snarked when Adam let him pull back for a second to breathe.

“Shut the _fuck. Up_ ,” Adam growled.

Turned out that Ronan had a hard time disobeying Adam when he worked his mouth like that.

 

IX.

Declan approached Ronan on his way to first period the next day (he couldn’t believe he’d been forced to go to school _twice in a row_ ). Ronan was immediately defensive – a purposeful visit from Declan was almost never a good thing, and it usually ended in throwing punches. They’d been trying to be better lately, but Ronan was still too easily riled and Declan was still too easily an asshole.

However, this time, Declan completely threw him for a loop. “Ronan, I really must talk to you about your taste in boyfriends—”

Ronan reared back, startled but refusing to show it. “What the fuck do you have against Parrish? And how did you know about that, anyway? Are you spying on me?”

“You’re…dating Parrish?” Declan stammered before breaking into a huge grin, which Ronan honestly found disturbing. “Oh thank God, as long as it’s not Henry Cheng I really don’t care who the fuck you’re dating.”

Ronan reared back again, this time out of offense. “Why the fuck would you think I was dating Henry fucking Cheng?”

“I saw you _flirting_ with him yesterday.” Declan said ‘flirting’ like he would say ‘debauching’.

At that, and to Declan’s obvious confusion, Ronan burst out laughing. He laughed so hard he bent over himself, clutching at his stomach. _Holy fuck_ he couldn’t breathe…!

“Ronan, are you okay?” Declan asked. “You never laugh this much – are you dying?”

“Fucking yeah I am,” Ronan wheezed before sending his older brother a grin. “Don’t worry, Dec – that was just a mistake. Thought he was someone else.”

“What.” Declan seemed even more confused. “How could you mistake Henry Cheng for anyone but—”

“Oh God, would you look at the time? Bye, Dicklan!” Ronan shouted over his brother and ran off to find Adam, ignoring Declan cursing at his back.

 

X.

Tad Carruthers was walking down the hall when he saw Adam Parrish.

Tad was always on the lookout for Adam Parrish, as he lived off of the occasional glances he could get and thrived off the conversations Adam allowed him to have with him. He had become a pro at scanning the crowd for him, so it was easy to spot his dirty-blonde, wind-blown hair and his freckled face. Looking for Adam had even become something to look forward to every day that Tad went to school.

Usually, Tad approached Adam immediately. But this time, he stopped right in the middle of the hallway and gawked.

He couldn’t believe his eyes.

Sebastian had said he’d seen Ronan Lynch kissing Richard Gansey III yesterday. Atticus had said he’d seen Lynch kissing Henry Cheng yesterday, and apparently these events had taken place mere minutes after each other.

And now Lynch was kissing _Adam Parrish?!_

… _Just how many boys had Ronan Lynch kissed at this school?!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let there be no doubt in your minds that immediately following this Tad went to confront Ronan and made a fool of himself. And probably got his ass kicked ;)


	6. In the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam's feelings for Ronan were like an approaching thunderstorm.

Adam’s feelings for Ronan were like an approaching thunderstorm.

Logically, he knew he should walk away from it, find some suitable cover from it. It could be dangerous to let himself be drawn in. But, despite knowing that, he wanted nothing more than to just stand there, watch it approach, and get absolutely soaked in it when it arrived.

Well, no, if it was an accurate metaphor, he also wanted to soak the thunderstorm back, but that didn’t really work.

The point was, he wanted Ronan – he just wasn’t sure how to make that leap from _wanting_ to _having_. He knew how Ronan felt; he knew that he could have it if he just took that first step.

But there was a part of him that was afraid, that held back. He didn’t truly believe he had the ability to love anyone, and he didn’t want to hurt Ronan in the process of finding out for sure that he couldn’t. He didn’t know what to do with Ronan’s heart, and worried he would break it if he didn’t handle this carefully.

But he wanted. Every bone in his body _wanted_.

And he could tell Ronan wanted just as much, though he didn’t seem to know how to make that leap, either. Perhaps he was waiting for Adam to make it. Perhaps Adam wore his poker face too well so Ronan couldn’t tell that he would reciprocate if he just _went_ for it.

So they played limbo. They flirted and didn’t admit to themselves or each other that they were. Ronan slept on Adam’s floor more nights than not, tantalizing Adam with his close proximity and rather scarce choices in sleeping clothes. They conspired to prank the Latin sub and tipped their heads perhaps closer than necessary to laugh quietly about it.

Together, they stood on the precipice and watched the storm approach.

So really it was fitting that, when they actually _did_ talk about these feelings, it was during the worst thunderstorm recorded in Henrietta to date.

…Well, ‘talk’ was a strong word.

Adam had heard the first rumblings when he’d been bent over the hood of a Mercedes and had hoped that the storm would pass in the few hours he had left in his shift. As if to purposefully spite him, however, it only got worse: by the time Adam had moved to the next car, the rain was pounding so loudly on the tin roof that it sounded like gunfire. By the time he clocked out and stepped out of the building to grab his bike, lightning struck every few seconds and the thunder seemed to be almost constant.

It was just so typical of Adam’s life that he had to bike home in this.

But he did it, because he had no choice. He hadn’t come to work prepared for rain, though, so within the first few minutes on the road he was soaked and chilled to the bone. He could see absolutely nothing as he biked carefully along the edge of the road, for the rain clouds made the dark backstreets of Henrietta even darker. Occasionally the lightning would strike mere feet from where he was—thunder clapping right above him immediately after—illuminating the path for one second before plummeting the world into utter darkness again. It was nice to see where he was for those brief seconds, but the lightning was so close that it worried him.

He’d only made it about a mile when the next flash of lightning revealed a car barreling towards him. Startled, Adam swerved to stick to the edge of the road as closely as possible and nearly fell into the ditch running along the side. Instead of just flying by, however, the car skidded to a dangerous stop across the road from Adam, nearly hydroplaning into the ditch. The driver rolled their window down, and Adam closed his eyes in relief.

“L-L-Lynch,” Adam said, his teeth chattering so badly he could barely talk. “W-what are y-you—?”

Ronan kicked the passenger side door open. “Shut up and get in the damn car, Parrish, Jesus Christ.”

Adam wanted to protest—he’d already made it this damn far, he might as well go the rest of the way—but another loud crack of thunder right above his head made him dart for the car. Ronan popped the trunk so Adam could shove his bike inside before bundling his way into the passenger seat and slamming the door shut behind him.

When he stared at Ronan, a thank you on the tip of his tongue, Ronan just wordlessly handed him a towel and began driving.

Even out of the rain and with the BMW’s heat cranked to the max, it took a long time for the chill to leave Adam’s body. He’d mistakenly worn jeans today, so the water stubbornly clung to his body no matter how much he tried to towel the outside of his clothes. But the BMW’s seat warmers were doing wonders and soon enough Adam was starting to become, if not dry, warm.

At the very least now he could talk without his teeth chattering like crazy.  

“Why were you driving down this road at night in the middle of this huge ass storm?” Adam asked as he rubbed his hair dry. “And I’m honestly having trouble imagining any scenario where you would have a clean towel in your backseat.”

Ronan’s fingers tightened around the wheel. It was a small thing, but Adam noticed. “Well gee, Parrish, maybe I felt like going for a fucking joyride and wanted to come prepared in case I got wet. It _is_ raining outside, in case you haven’t noticed.”

And suddenly Adam realized he was the biggest fucking idiot in the entire world.

Because Ronan hadn’t happened to come down this road just because. Ronan did everything with purpose. And so he had purposefully come down this road at night in the middle of this huge ass storm because he knew Adam would be biking home on it.

For a moment, he forgot how to breathe. He wanted to ask, he _needed_ to ask. Suddenly it felt too important to pretend that they weren’t desperately pining for each other like they had been for months. Suddenly Adam didn’t want to play limbo anymore.

So he sucked in a huge breath and asked on the exhale, “Did you—?”

But Ronan had suddenly stopped the car and was throwing himself out into the rain and lightning. For a moment Adam just watched him stomp out into the random field they’d stopped by, chewing on the leather bands on his wrists and tilting his head up towards the rain. A bolt of lightning lit up his profile, and he was dark and handsome and dangerously close to breaking.

Adam got out of the car.

It felt horrible getting soaked for a second time when he hadn’t even gotten entirely dry after the first time, but he didn’t think about that. He didn’t think about how he had two essays to write when he got home or how he probably wouldn’t have any hot water for a shower. All he thought about was Ronan and how it was time to stop treating this like a game.

He stood just behind Ronan, watching his shoulders lift with his breath. Ronan still hadn’t turned around, his gaze still upwards, but he’d dropped his arm from his mouth and everything about his posture was defensive.

“Parrish, if you’re here to scorn me, then I—”

“Thank you,” Adam interrupted, anxious to fix Ronan’s incorrect assumption. “For picking me up. For even realizing I would be out in this shit.”

Ronan did turn to face Adam then. There was something unreadable on his face, but it was lonely and heartbreakingly sad. Adam’s heart clenched looking at it. “…Literally any time, Adam.”

They stared at each other, hesitant. Neither of them were good at this part. Maybe they’d hesitated for so long because neither of them really knew what they were doing.

But maybe it didn’t matter.

Adam stepped forward, only stopping when he was inches from Ronan’s chest. Slowly, he raised his hand and cupped Ronan’s cheek in his palm.

Ronan swallowed, but didn’t step away. “…You can’t go back from this, you know.”

Adam stared into his bright blue eyes, through the cracks in his armor, and said, “Why the fuck would I want to go back?”

He kissed him.

And it was everything – it was every mile over the speed limit he’d ridden in Ronan’s car as Ronan whooped and hollered in the seat next to him. It was every time he had stared at Ronan and found him already staring back. It was every time he had dreamed of something more and had actually _gotten_ it.

It was every time he had waited and let the thunderstorm soak him to the bone.

He should’ve done this three months ago.

They kissed in the rain and thunder until they got so cold that they were both probably going to be sick tomorrow. Usually Adam feared upcoming colds—for it meant more work he’d have to catch up on—but right now it felt completely worth it.

Rushing back to the car, they bundled themselves inside and threw the towel back and forth at each other until they at least sort of resembled being dry. Adam stole one more kiss across the gearshift before Ronan started the car and skidded off down the road.

They went back to St. Agnes, which was surprising only until Ronan informed him that Gansey and Blue had been being gross on the couch when he left and were probably no better off now. Adam loved the two of them dearly, but he would almost rather go back to the trailer park than walk in on the two of them smooching.

Besides, even if they weren’t smooching, Adam wanted to be alone with Ronan for this. Whatever was developing between them now was new and fragile and likely wouldn’t stand up to intense questioning yet.

But then again, everyone probably already knew.

After they both took cold showers—Ronan cursing up a storm the entire time he was in there—they changed into warm clothes and bundled into bed. Ronan stayed here so often that he had his own drawer in Adam’s dresser, where he kept both sleep clothes and a blanket and pillow for sleeping on the floor.

He was in the process of grabbing his pillow when Adam realized that they didn’t need to pretend anymore. The secret was out; they were something more. They might have been something more for a while now.

And more importantly, Adam was cold.

“You don’t have to sleep on the floor,” he murmured.

Ronan turned to stare at him. It seemed calculated, at first, before it dissolved into a small smile. It was the rare kind that Adam had never seen on him when he’d first met him – the kind that he usually only reserved for people like Matthew.

Adam couldn’t remember when he’d been added to the list.

“Why Parrish, you want to get into my pants already?” Ronan chastised, but he was grinning as he made his way over to the bed and dipped down onto it.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” Adam scowled and scooted back against the wall to make room for him. “You don’t have to be an ass about it.”

“Yeah, I do,” Ronan teased but the way he laid down and stared at Adam was so soft that it was easy to forget he was making fun of him.

They were lying there together with an awkward space in between them for a moment, as if Ronan was afraid of crossing any boundaries. But Adam wasn’t afraid—not anymore—so he inched closer until he could tuck his legs between Ronan’s. Ronan breathed out a shaky exhale as he wrapped an arm around Adam’s chest and tucked his head into the side of Adam’s neck. He was so warm that Adam could hardly even remember that he’d been ice cold mere moments before.

“Is this okay?” Ronan breathed into his ear, unusually hesitant.

Adam hummed. “Perfect.”

Ronan kissed his skin and Adam melted into him with a sigh.

There really was something about thunderstorms.


	7. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronan doesn’t tell Adam that he hasn’t been sleeping. He doesn’t tell him how much it hurts to talk on the phone sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's still pynchweek somewhere right?! Lol  
> Sorry as always that this took so long (and sorry to end on angst omg), but I hope it's worth the wait!! Thank you so much to everyone who's left kudos and comments or have just read this story, it really means a lot to me!! And I've really enjoyed reading everyone else's entries, it's been super fun! :)
> 
> Thanks for a wonderful pynch week! <3

At exactly midnight, Ronan jerks awake, eyes wide and his chest heaving.

He hasn’t brought anything back this time, but the nightmare had been a bad one: a sea of dead bodies, each one bearing the face of someone he loved, washed in blood and guts and fire.

Unthinkingly, he reaches out for Adam, only to remember that Adam is at school, probably writing an essay or some shit.

The reality of it hits Ronan hard. Adam isn’t here. He can’t make sure Adam is safe. He can’t be sure that Adam hasn’t really been killed by one of his night horrors, or by Ronan’s own hands, or by some other unknown entity. No one is here, and if Adam isn’t here, then who can convince him that _anyone_ he loves is still alive? Maybe they’re all gone, just like Adam.

In a panic, Ronan reaches for his phone. He keeps it on him more often now because the few texts Adam sends him each day are the only things that keep him going since he left for Princeton a month ago. He dials his number and waits on bated breath for Adam to answer. With each ring that goes by, the stone in Ronan’s chest expands until it feels like he can’t breathe. He’s dead – this time he’s really dead, gone, unmade—

“Ronan?” Adam finally picks up on the fourth ring, his voice sleepy.

Ronan squeezes his eyes shut. He’s alive, he’s okay, he’s talking to him, he isn’t bleeding out somewhere…

“Ro, are you okay?”

He almost says no—the truth—until he realizes: he woke him up. He’s interfering with his sleep and Adam hardly sleeps as it is; he doesn’t need Ronan ruining the one night he actually goes to bed before midnight.

Ronan lets out a harsh breath, digs a palm into his eye. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.”

Adam hums. He barely sounds awake. “Did something happen?”

“No, I just…I just thought I’d call.” Adam must be able to hear the shaking in his voice, the lie coming out rough and unpracticed.

“At midnight?”

“…Yeah.”

Adam hums again. “Okay.”

They talk about mundane things for a while, and with each word that comes out of Adam’s mouth Ronan feels his chest slowly unwind, the nightmare slowly bleeding out of his body. He repeats it in his head like a mantra: Adam is okay, Adam is okay, Adam is okay.

But it doesn’t change how much he misses him, or the pain in his heart when he thinks about how talking over the phone can never be enough. Maybe if he never hung up, but Adam’s already falling back asleep, so Ronan whispers good night to him and hangs up the phone.

After that, he lays in the dark and lets the tears fall.

He doesn’t sleep.

 

\--

 

Adam sends him updates about his life every day, about new people that he meets and his classes and a funny thing his professor said during lecture. Ronan loves hearing from Adam, is relieved that he’s taking the time to tell him about these things, but sometimes he can’t bear how lonely and miserable it makes him feel. Sometimes he has to pretend he doesn’t see the messages for a while to give him time to get his messy thoughts in order before he replies so he doesn’t say something he’ll regret.

Sometimes it just makes him feel too broken being reminded that he’s the only one struggling.

He goes about his day, week, month, life working and working and working. He works until sunup to sundown, feeding the animals, harvesting the crops, fixing the damn fence so he can get horses in the far-off fields of the barns. He helps Opal carve out spaces for herself and they dream in the dream barn, slowly molding Cabeswater back into existence. He rests in Declan’s room—because he can’t stand to be in the bed that reminds him of Adam—but he doesn’t sleep. He can’t sleep. If he does, he’ll fall to pieces again.

He tells Adam about the farm, about their goat giving birth and the people he meets when he sells things at the farmer’s market. He keeps him updated about Cabeswater’s progress and what he’s been dreaming about, because Adam won’t stop asking him about it after he saw the black goop drip from Ronan’s body again.

He doesn’t tell Adam that he hasn’t been sleeping. He doesn’t tell him how much it hurts to talk on the phone sometimes.

When he finally does crash from exhaustion, he wakes up at midnight again with the same fears in his chest and throat. He calls Adam again in desperation.

“Hey, Ronan,” Adam says. He’s awake this time, but his voice is quiet, like he’s trying not to disturb someone. “What’s up?”

The words strangle Ronan. He can’t tell him – if he does, Adam will be worried, and if he’s worried he might want to come home, and if he’s home for even a second it’ll be even harder when he leaves again. Because Adam will always want to leave; he’s having too much fun at college to stay at the Barns with Ronan forever. And Ronan doesn’t want to make the choice hard for him. Adam deserves to be chasing his dreams, not dragged down by Ronan and his problems.

He takes a deep, harsh breath. “Nothing. Just thought I’d call.”

“Okay,” Adam says. “But now’s kind of a bad time…”

The idea of Adam hanging up soon panics Ronan, and he clutches his phone tighter, as if that will somehow make him stay. “I miss you,” he chokes out, hates how pathetic he sounds as he says it.

“I miss you too,” Adam says, quietly, “but I need to go back to my group, we have a project to finish… Can I call you back later?”

Ronan swallows back the tears, the suffocating fear and loneliness and insecurity. Of course he’s busy – he should’ve known. He shouldn’t have called. “…Yeah, go finish your project, nerd.”

“Thanks. I’ll call you later, okay?” he says, and hangs up.

Ronan keeps the phone to his ear for a long time after that, pretending that he can still hear Adam on the other end. When even that becomes too much, he turns the ringer up as loud as it’ll go—so he doesn’t miss it—and tosses it onto the bed beside him.

He waits all night.

Adam never calls back. 

 

\--

 

Two months go by, then three.

Whoever said time eases pain didn’t know jack shit because it never gets easier. Instead, he seems to miss Adam more and more each day. Adam calls less and less as he gets bogged down by work and studying. Ronan gets back into street racing to ease the pain and loneliness eating away inside of him but lays off the alcohol because he promised Adam he would. He calls the Three Musketeers more and actually stays for a while at Fox Way when he’s dropping off Opal, and it helps some, but nothing can replace Adam.

He doesn’t know how to tell him that it’s killing him not being able to see him. He doesn’t know how be less pathetic, less burdensome, less needy.

The self-hate lurking under his veins doesn’t take long to come back. He doesn’t know how to tell Adam about that, either.

“Are you coming home for the three-day weekend?” he asks on their next phone call. He’s trying very hard to keep the desperation out of his voice.

“I don’t think I can,” Adam says, making a frustrated sound in the back of his throat. Ronan has to sit down in the middle of the field. “I have to study for my midterms, and you’re too distracting.”

Ronan doesn’t laugh. “Okay.”

He doesn’t protest, because he will never interfere with Adam’s work.

“Do you want me to come back?” Adam asks. He doesn’t say ‘home’.

_I always want you to come back._ “Doesn’t matter what I want – you need to do your nerd shit.”

Adam is silent for a moment. “Are you okay, Ro?”

Ronan closes his eyes. “I feel like you ask me that a lot.”

“I feel like I never get a direct answer.”

“I’m fine. I just miss you.”

“I’ll be back for Thanksgiving,” Adam says. “I’ll be there for four days.”

Four goddamn days. Like that could ever be enough.

“You better do your homework in advance – homework is not allowed at the Barns,” Ronan says, because he can’t say how he really feels without crying.

Adam laughs. “I’ll do my best.”

He has to go soon after, to study and work on his essays. Ronan stays out in the field for a long time, staring at nothing, wishing he could feel nothing.

 

\--

 

Ronan walks into the kitchen Saturday morning of the long weekend to find Adam dragging a duffle bag into the house.

For a moment, he thinks he’s dreaming. He lingers near the fridge, watching, wary. The dreams that start out like this never end well. “I thought you weren’t coming down for the long weekend?”

Adam looks angry or miserable or both as he slams his bag onto the kitchen counter. It hurts how much he obviously doesn’t want to be here. “I changed my mind.”

Self-loathing claws its way into Ronan’s throat, and just like that he’s angry, hurt, drowning. He made Adam come back. His disgusting, worthless self had sounded so needy or _something_ over the phone that he’d made Adam feel like he had to come back to somewhere he so obviously didn’t want to be.

_You stupid, worthless piece of shit._

“Well shit, Parrish, you don’t have to sound so happy about it,” Ronan snaps.

Adam looks surprised. “…I _am_ happy. I’ve wanted to come home for weeks.”

This surprises Ronan. Adam had never said anything; he’d always seemed fine over the phone, like he wasn’t missing Ronan as much as Ronan was missing him or sad or lonely or anything that Ronan had been struggling with. He’d never even dropped hints that he wanted to come back, in fact, just the opposite: he’d always sounded like he wanted to be anywhere but at the Barns, do anything but talk to Ronan. But…he’d actually wanted to…?

Something bleeds inside of him.

Adam had called the Barns ‘home’.

“…You have?” Ronan says, can hardly believe it. “But you hardly ever call or anything—”

“I _want_ to call you more often – I think about calling you every day,” Adam says, brushing a hand through his hair. “But I don’t call you because I’m only ever free after midnight and I know how hard it is for you to fall asleep. I would hate to wake you…”

“Adam,” Ronan interrupts, “you can call me at fucking four A.M. for all I care – sleep is never more important than you.”

“But—”

“I don’t…sleep, anyway,” Ronan says, averting his eyes.

“…Ronan.” He still refuses to look at him. “Ro, are you having nightmares again?”

Ronan laughs drily, even though nothing is funny. “They never stopped.”

“Why haven’t you told me?” Adam demands. “Why don’t _you_ call _me_? You know I’m always—”

“Because I don’t want to be a burden to you!” Ronan shouts. His breathing suddenly becomes shallow and he has to link his hands together behind his head and inhale and exhale slowly before he can continue. “You’re over there living your life and having a good time and I don’t want to… _taint_ that. I don’t want you to miss the sleep you need or not finish an essay just because I’m a needy fuck—”

“I’m not having a good time!” Adam blurts. Silence falls over them for a moment before he continues, his eyes wet, “College is… _horrible_ sometimes. I get so homesick that it feels like I’m suffocating; I miss you so goddamn much, Ronan. I miss sleeping next to you and I miss your sarcastic comments about everything and I miss you busting into the room all excited because of something you dreamed or a goat gave birth or something. I miss the Barns and the smell of the farm and Opal and the way she always tries to sneak around when she does something bad… I _miss_ you guys. I miss being home.”  

Ronan sucks in a harsh breath. Horrifyingly, his eyes are wet too. “…I didn’t know you were struggling, too. You always seemed fine over text…”

“I didn’t…I didn’t want to seem like I couldn’t do it,” Adam says, pulling at his hair. “I thought that if I admitted that I was lonely and that I hated college that it would mean I didn’t have what it took to be there and goddammit Ronan I’ve worked my whole _life_ to get there, what was I going to do if I couldn’t do it—”

“You deserve to be there – fuck, Parrish, you deserve to be there more than anyone else in the goddamn world,” Ronan says, finally closing the space between them. He gently reaches out and runs the back of his hand along Adam’s cheek. “And you don’t need someone like me pulling you down all the time.”

“You’ve _never_ pulled me down; you’ve encouraged me. Sometimes it feels like you’re the only thing that’s worth it.” Adam clutches Ronan’s hand at his cheek and squeezes it tightly. “I love you, Ronan. I hate being away from you.”

Ronan sucks in another breath. Horrifyingly, the tears have started falling down his cheeks. Adam has never told him he loves him before. “I love you too, Adam, so goddam much. Not being able to see you every day is killing me.”

“I-I’m sorry I never have time to call,” Adam blubs, starting to cry himself. “All I do is work and go to class and I’m just so tired…”

Ronan pulls Adam to his chest, hugging him tightly. Something releases in him as he does. “Then call me. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing – I’ll always pick up.”

“Okay,” Adam sniffs into his neck, reaching up to clutch Ronan’s shoulder blades. “I’ll come down to visit on the weekends when I can, so we can see each other more.”

“Okay.” Ronan presses a kiss into his hair. “I’ll even drop my homework ban for you.”

Adam laughs wetly into his shoulder. “It’s a deal. Just…you can call me too, okay? Always. Well…not if I’m in class I guess.”

Ronan snorts and hugs Adam tighter. “Deal.”

 

\--

 

At exactly midnight, Ronan’s phone rings.

He’d set the Murder Squash Song specifically for a certain someone, so he doesn’t even hesitate as he reaches for his phone and accepts the call.

“Parrish, hey.”

“Lynch,” Adam replies, “why the hell did you send me a package full of fucking dirt? I opened it while I was walking and now it’s just all over the fucking floor.”

Ronan laughs, grinning to himself in the dark. “It’s not _dirt_ , it’s _soil_.”

He can practically hear Adam’s eye roll. “Please, don’t pull that bullshit on me – only soils professors think that. Why did you send it?”

“Didn’t you get the other package?”

“…What other package?”

Ronan swears. The goddamn post office is messing up his kind deed. “Fuck, if they lost it I swear to fucking God…”

Adam hums. “Just tell me what’s in it, then.”

“Seeds. And some pots so you can grow plants in your dorm room,” Ronan replies, feeling slightly embarrassed. It’s always easier to be nice when he doesn’t have to be there to see the repercussions of it. “I dreamt them so who knows it they’ll actually fucking work, but they’re supposed to smell like the Barns.”  

“Ronan…” Adam says, and doesn’t say anything else for a long time. Ronan lets the silence draw out, finds comfort just from hearing Adam breathing on the other end. Eventually, Adam finds his words and says, “Thank you.”

“So don’t feel as homesick, nerd – you’ve got too many nerd things to do,” Ronan says and then, softer, “And I’ll be up next week, okay?”

“Yeah, I can’t wait.” Adam sniffs, and this time there’s a smile in his voice as he murmurs, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Ronan says and lies back in bed.

It’s starting to feel a little easier.

**Author's Note:**

> My [tumblr](https://swimmingwolf59.tumblr.com/)  
> My [twitter](https://twitter.com/kaoru_of_hakone)


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